5 Things You Need To Know About Having An Open Relationship

Despite what the image tells you, it's really not that complicated. In fact, an open relationship is easy once you know the rules, the players, a few basic concepts, and of course, you're able to communicate honestly and openly.

I've had many discussions with people on both sides of the issue, and while they often disagree on principle, they are more alike than they realize. And I don't mean on the fact that they will likely both disagree with my next comment.

In all of my open-relationships over the years I've learned that a "true" open-relationship is based in monogamy. And what I've also learned is that monogamists have a harder time grasping the concept of monogamy than the polyamorists. It seems that more and more people these days are exploring with the idea of an open-relationship. Many though, do it for the wrong reasons, and the wrong way. If you want to explore, here are 5 things to keep in mind:

1) Talk, Talk, and Talk Some More: If you're going to pursue an open-relationship you need to talk, and to talk openly. In order to avoid jealousy or resentment, one partner can't hold back desires or wants when an open-relationship is on the table. You may each not get everything you want, but you have to communicate what type of open-relationship you each want and what your boundaries are.

Boundaries and limits will take on different forms depending on the couple, but things that should be discussed are:

•  Who, or what kind of people can join
• What kind of open-relationship do you both want
• What is appropriate contact with the same/opposite sex

It may seem like over-kill to get into the smallest of details, but is exploration worth possibly destroying a relationship you've spent months or years building? Remember, you have a primary partner that you come home to every day. They are your first priority.

2) Don't Do It Just Because: I've heard every bullshit excuse in the book when it comes to couples wanting to try an open-relationship. Hell, I've spouted out some of my own. The two most common are:

• We want to spice up our sex life. No you don't. One of you wants to try something...more like someone...fresh, and you're willing to let your significant other fuck someone so you can.
• It will make the guy/girl I'm with happy. Yeah, I'm sure it will, but will it make you happy? If you do it once, for that reason, then expect it to come up again.

The only reason a couple should explore opening their relationship is when they are doing it for themselves as a couple. It's a "we" thing, not a "me" thing. If you're in it together and tuned into the needs, wants and concerns of one another, you'll have fewer issues transitioning.

3) It's Not An Excuse To Cheat: In a monogamous relationship we trust that our partners will be faithful. In an open-relationship we allow our partners certain agreed upon freedoms that we trust they won't overstep. 

There are many -- mostly those new to the lifestyle -- who think  that an open-relationship means a free-for-all. Where, slipping up is not cheating. In arrangement where things such as playing together is a rule, an innocent kiss away from your partner IS considered cheating.

Last summer I started dating this girl for a few short months, who raised with me the idea of an open-relationship. Her offer: She only wanted to play as a couple and only have women join us. While she had friends that were open to joining us then and there, we decided that first, we had to establish a solid relationship. When we went downtown, she would enjoy it when I was dancing with, or all over some other girl for her to watch. While I was okay with that, it was only when we were together. Despite her assurance that I could go have "innocent" fun, as long as she could hear about it, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Anything solo, to me, is cheating.


4) Pick Your Partner(s) Carefully: Whether you're inviting one person to join, doing a full-swap, or any other combination, you should pick your partners very carefully. A few selection tips include:

• Stay away from friends. The only time a friend should be invited is when they can be trusted not to interfere after the fun has been had. A friend may seem like the best choice because of the comfort level, but can you look at one another the same moving forward?
• What's your name again? Don't pick just any random person(s), of course you should screen them first, but someone(s) you don't know are the best first option. Having a person or persons who are there for one thing, and one thing only, will alleviate any tension or pressure after the fact. This is a person you don't have to see again if you don't want to, or who you can call when you both feel like.
• Slow and Steady: Whomever you select, make sure they fully understand your limits and boundaries before proceeding. They should be comfortable taking time before things happen - if they do - and that they are fully aware anyone can pull out at any time. A back-out clause is a beautiful thing, especially if it's your first time. The ability to tell someone this has to stop, even after things have begun, should be agreed upon first.

5) Don't Neglect Your Partner: Unless you both swing both ways, one partner will be at a greater advantage than the other, sexually. And opening your relationship should never be more about one partner than the other. After all, you're doing this for both of you, and you should be paying equal attention to your partner as you are to the person who is joining you.


There is so much more I would have liked to touch upon, but the issue of an open-relationship is broad and often difficult to capture in one post. It truly is something that has to be explored verbally between two people. It's something that, while I've done in the past and continue to ponder to this day... would I ever do it again? Who knows? I certainly wouldn't tell anyone on here.

No Bun Boys: How Do You Want To Be Shut Down?

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Cheating: Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

A few weeks ago I tweeted a question, how many times do you think I've cheated? I tweeted it as a teaser to this blog post about cheating and yes, I will reveal the answer - just not yet. As I thought more about the topic, it made me think back to so many failed relationships that, unfortunately, were ruined due to cheating.


As a side note, it seems that there is a little pool going on to see who has guessed the answer. To the winner, you're welcome.

Cheating for me is a deal breaker. In fact, it is tied with drug use in my relationships. I can't and won't tolerate it. I'm always amazed that so many people I know can forgive - and have forgiven - their significant others for being unfaithful. When I say zero tolerance, I mean zero tolerance. One simple innocent kiss and I'm dumping you on the spot. The only reason I'd keep you around is to get revenge. Yes, that's right. I'm a Scorpio. I'll drop everything for the person I'm with, but fuck me over like that and I'm a vengeful son of a bitch.


So it's safe to say I have trust issues. And for good reason. Since I started dating around the age of 15, I have been out with close to 100 different people - give or take - over the last 13 years.

Before anyone calls me out on that, no, it's true. If you need confirmation ask @whatshesaidgoes, she knows my dating history over the last three years alone. I keep a list in my phone with names so I can remember who is who. In 2010, that list had 34 names on it. Three weeks into 2011, there are already four.

Out of those 100 or so dates, I've only been in six, yes six, actual relationships spanning anywhere from a few months to a few years. I've spent a little more than half my dating life in relationships and what did I learn from them? That it's hard to trust. From the first girlfriend to the last, I've been cheated on in every relationship except for one - at least that I know of.


So as you can see, I don't take cheating lightly. And I may sound like a hypocrite here, but I have been the other guy many, many times. I've broken up relationships and come between marriages.

So being cheated on repeatedly and being the other guy, have I cheated? The answer is yes. How many times? Once. Well, I only consider it to be once, but @whatshesaidgoes considers the "other" time to be cheating. So here for all, I'm going to clarify that it wasn't cheating.

This past summer I was the best man at my friend's wedding in Ottawa. A few weeks before i left, I met a girl. We were "seeing" one another with no relationship title. When I left for Ottawa we were still getting to know one another and the night I landed in Ottawa, I headed straight to the bar where we were having a dual bachelor/bachlorette party. I ended up leaving with the Maid of Honor - who I may add had a boyfriend back in Calgary - and the next day, the girl I was seeing called me in a drunken stupor demanding to know if we were going to be a couple or not. To shut her up, I said yes. When in fact I would have said yes when I returned. Technically, I was single.

But I do admit to cheating once. It was a few years ago, at the beginning of a relationship when and old friend with benefits and I were wrapping up. It was, well, one more for the road. It was one night, one time, and you know what? I was so disgusted with myself that the guilt I felt after that night made me break off any contact with that friend, forever. I still think about it to this day.

It's not that I haven't had opportunities to cheat in the past. I've had many. I've had opportunities to cheat with my girlfriend's friends; with old friends with benefits; and with friends that I have. I've even had girls I've dated tell me that they would be turned on by me being with other women. But you know what? After that one time, I couldn't do it. I'll play as a couple, but never alone. And when my relationships are closed, I never give what it may be like with someone else a first thought, let alone a second.

When I'm single, I'm a promiscuous, self-proclaimed asshole. If it has a skirt, two legs and tits, I'll go after it. But when I'm with someone, I'm the most faithful motherfucker you'll ever meet.

Mother Theresa has nothing on me. 

To find out what @whatshesaidgoes, check her reply here.

Men and Sex: Coles Notes

Sex. A topic that many people enjoy hearing, but many more don't like to talk about - openly. There is so much to be said, but maintaining with the back and forth nature of these posts, I'll be brief.

To correct @whatshesaidgoes, men do realize that girls think about it a lot, but they don't talk about it openly, with men, in the same way. Sure, they may talk about it with other girls, their likes or dislikes; what their partner proposed or how something they've tried out worked or didn't, but with men, in my experience, they tend to shy away from an open conversation.

The bottom line: Men want to know. We want to have that discussion with you, openly. Women are far more close minded when it comes to sex than men. Or maybe, I've met more girls who think something is just "too much" to talk about. A healthy sex life depends on being able to tell your partner what you like and what you don't, even if it's something out of the norm.

We have all had amazing sex and as she puts it, not so great sex. Unlike @whatshesaidgoes, most of my experiences don't fall somewhere in between; they're either on one end of the spectrum or the other.

Foreplay - While I must agree with her section on foreplay, that it extends the experience and adds an element of anticipation, it's not something we ALWAYS want. And I'm sure most women don't always want it either. Men, just as much as women, enjoy to be touched and kissed, but if you're wondering why your man is trying to rush through it, maybe it's not the foreplay, but instead, it's you. 

I don't think I'm too far off in saying that many men feel (or that women expect) the guy should be taking the lead. While we're happy to take the lead in bed, when it comes to foreplay, women need to take a greater role in sustaining it. Men often think of foreplay as touching and kissing, when in fact, foreplay goes beyond the physical.

Ladies, if you want to sustain foreplay and really get him into making it a priority, you have to train your man to enjoy it. Pin him down and show him what foreplay is all about and don't hesitate to tell the guy just what parts of you to stimulate, to get you going. Take the time to slowly tease him, wear something revealing and don't let it come off until you're ready. The secret in getting your guy to make foreplay a priority, is to show him what's in it for him.

Mix it up - If you want to grow as a sexual being, you need to mix it up. Personally, if there is no spice, I can't hack it. If my sexual endeavours were a porn, it would most likely be an unmarked tape, in a black case kept behind the counter.

There is nothing wrong with those who have no desire to move their sexual experiences beyond the vanilla lifestyle their used to. More women, than men, are often hesitant to change or take a risk. Keeping it simple has its place. A soft and sensual night of sex is less about what you're doing, but more with who you're doing it with. But even the closest of couples should, in my opinion, spice things up. You need both.

Women though, have this misconception of men. When a guy says, let's try something new, a woman thinks he's been watching too much porn; what kind of unrealistic sex act does he have in mind? Often, it's not as bad as she may think.

If you want to up your game, take it slow. Watch porn together and try a few things you normally wouldn't is a good start. If you want to explore a little more, connect with your local kink community and attend social events to meet like-minded people, or attend an event. You're not expected to participate, but just be clear on all the rules first. Sex conventions are another good place to get ideas and tips. Visit your local sex store and pick up some reading material to get you started. Spicing it up can go from sex outside of your normal setting, all the way up to edgeplay.

You're not going to like everything you see, or everything you try. If you're open with one another and if you take the time to learn how to do things right, you may find more out there that you like.

Express yourself - It's not only guys who don't express themselves enough during sex, women are often too shy or intimidated to do so as well. If you're enjoying it, we want to hear it. It is what will get us going. If we know you like it, we'll keep doing it, and we'll do it again next time.

A few years ago, I was hooking up with this girl who looks-wise, was way out of my league. (Hey, I'll admit it.) After a few times, I cut it off. When a friend commented by saying I must be out of my mind and why I stopped, the answer was simple. She fucks like a starfish.

There was no movement. There was no sound. There was nothing. Have you ever seen a starfish? Yeah, they just lay there, motionless. We don't want you to scream at the top of your lungs - although we wouldn't be opposed to it. We just want to know that you're into it. 

Spice and Sugar - Sex is sex. Making love is making love. Two completely different things based on the person you're with. I'm one of those guys who likes to cuddle and although it doesn't have to be tied to sex. Just don't think that because I'm close to you after sex, that I want to be with you.

While some (many if I may say so) women, need that closeness and affection after sex, men don't. It's not that we're cold, heartless beings, who can fuck you and then walk away (well, some of us are), we generally only want it with those we feel a connection to. If we're not romantically tied to you, you should probably just enjoy the sex and not worry about the cuddling, if you want us to return.

For the original and female perspective, read Sex: Coles Notes.

Reply: Just One of the Guys....or Not

Let me cut to the chase and answer @whatshesaidgoes' question: Can guys just be friends with a girl long-term? 


The answer is, yes. Guys and girls can be "just" friends. 

Allow me to clarify though, that romantic involvement and sexual involvement are two different things. Romantic involvement is often what ruins a friendship. Sexual involvement can often be started and stopped without any long-term repercussion to the friendship.

And while I'm at it, let me answer her second unasked question: it made me wonder if most guys do in fact hang out with girls in the hopes that they'll one day sleep with them. 

The answer is also, yes. I can count on one hand the number of girls that I can consider "friends" that I haven't been involved with. Most times, they end up being the latter before they become a friend. But back to the topic at hand. While men and women can be friends, it's not as simple as many women may like it to be.

The way I see it - which I'll get into detail below - there are three levels of male-female friendships. The one thing they all have in common is communication. Despite how close of a friend, or how much of an acquaintance, maintaining a male-female "friendship" relies on being open.

The circumstance that what.she.said.goes finds herself in is that she can be just one of the guys. In my opinion, most guys like this quality in a girl. All of the girls that I've been attracted to, or dated, have been able to be just one of the guys, while still maintaining that girlie side. For a girl who acts like one of the guys, talks like one of the guys and enjoys many of the same things that the guys do, men will often be more comfortable and open around them. This can often be problematic.


As I mentioned above there are three types of male-female friendships.


The first one is what I would call the acquaintance. The acquaintance is that guy who you know in passing. You talk to him when you see him. You know a bit about him, but for the most part who and what he is is still a mystery to you. You don't involve yourself with knowing more about him than what you need to know. He is most often the guy who hangs around your group of closer friends and the only time you're around him is when you're out with other people. This guy is the wild card. He may or may not have the guts to make a move on you, but if he does, he has the least to lose. He doesn't have to interact with you on a daily basis and if you shoot him down, he will just move on to the next thing in a skirt.


The second type is the friend. The friend is that guy who is actually a friend. He is the one that you keep in touch with and hang out with from time to time. You can spend time with him one-on-one and enjoy his company. You feel comfortable around him and can speak openly. The two of you get along great. He is also the one that you have to watch out for the most. He is the one who will try, if he can, to blur the lines and if given the chance will try to sleep with you. Unlike the acquaintance who has nothing to lose, the friend can possibly ruin the friendship by trying to make a move. So why would he? He feels comfortable and knows that should something happen, it won't change a thing. You'll continue to be friends and if possible, with benefits. The issue with involving yourself with the friend, unlike the acquaintance, is that more often than not the friend usually has more feelings for you than he lets on.


The third and final type of friend is the best friend. This is the guy, or it can be more than one guy, that you're closest to. With the best friend you can truly be yourself around. You can fight and argue without it being an issue, you can change in front of one another and you don't give it a second thought, you know each others wants and needs; basically, you interact as if you are a couple. If you've made it through the acquaintance stage with no issue, and if you've made it through the friend stage with no issue, the best friend is the one that you have the least to worry about. If he hasn't made a move up until now, he probably never will. If he does, he is most likely the safest option. You're all thinking, why would you take a chance with the person you're closest with? Reason: You may have the most to lose from this, but you also have the most comfort and opportunity to be open with one another. If you haven't ended up together by now, you probably never will. So you may as well enjoy the extras in life until one of you settle down. It will also be the easiest of the three to break off in the end. Your best friend will understand that you're off-limits and won't pursue you; he'll want you to be happy with someone. Unlike the other two, who won't give a shit if you're with someone or not, he'll go back to just being your best friend and not make move.

Regardless which of the three types you find yourself wrestling with, communication is the common theme. With guy 1, you can just say no and forget about it - he doesn't need a reason why you turned him down. With guy 2, you can't just say no and walk away, you need to give him a reason why and be on the same level. With guy 3, you absolutely need to have the talk to ensure that there is no confusion about what it is and what it means, and when it ends.

While what.she.said.goes has a right to be frustrated and it comes through in her post, she lumps all these types of guys into one and sees them all in the same light. You can't control the actions of another, all that you can do is tell them where they stand. If they can't accept it, it's their loss. If they can, then do both of you a favour - don't make it awkward. Pretend it never happened.

Oh, and one more thing. If you do involve yourself with either one of these three types, you can't just pick up and walk away from the last two. While you can drop the acquaintance, the friend and best friend need a little more finesse. How would you like it if someone you were involved with suddenly decided that they didn't want to touch you anymore, with no reason?

For the original post, check out: Just One of the Guys....or Not

20 Questions Men Want Answers To

Don't blame me. It has been a long week, so yes, this post is a semi-cop out. This is where you, the female readers that is, get to give us men some insight. I've had many chats with my male friends about their significant others; about what they find acceptable or wonder; about what little and often insignificant things they think about. So before my body starts to crash from the copious amounts of caffeine that was coursing through it, here's how it works!

There are four categories, each with five random questions that men sometimes want to ask but are too shy to do so. Your job, respond in the comments section with your preference/answers numbered 1 to 20. Don't worry, they will be quick and easy. But, feel free to expand on your answers if you wish.

PS - I believe that  I have the comments open to everyone, but if not, just send me a message on Twitter and I'll fix that.


The Physical:

1) Which is more important, an attractive face or an attractive body?

2) When it comes to body type, do you prefer: (a) slim build (b) average build (c) toned build (d) muscular build

3) What one physical trait most attracts you to a guy?

4) Personal hygiene is obviously a selling point, should a guy: (a) shave completely (b) shave chest only (c) shave only below the equator (d) I love hairy men

5) What physical trait most turns you off a guy?


The Intellect:

1) Complete the phrase. I like my man to be: (a) less intelligent than I (b) smarter than I (c) of equal intelligence

2) How important is education? (a) He must have completed university/college (b) Education isn't all that important, there is more to someone than being book smart

3) Which of the following statements best describes what you want in a person: (a) It is important that my partner continue to self-improve himself. (b) I don't care if my partner continues to self-improve himself, I fell for him because of who he is.

4) Is it possible for someone to be too smart, that it becomes a turn-off?

5) Are women intimidated by intelligent men?


Likes and Dislikes:

1) How important is it that you and your prospective partner share similar interests: (a) Very important (b) Somewhat important (c) Not important at all

2) Which statement best describes you: (a) I want my partner to take an interest in my likes. (b) I want my partner to take an interest in my likes even if he has to fake it (c) If he has no interests in my likes, I don't want him to bother. He should just say so.

3) Would you ever do something that you completely hate or bores you, because your partner really wants to?

4) What is one interest that women wish men would involve themselves in?

5) You discover your partner has an unusual interest, you: (a) Accept it and let him continue, after all it's his interest and you don't have to partake. (b) Tell him that it's weird and to stop it. (c) Realize, holy shit this is too weird for me, I better call http://www.idump4u.com/ and end this quickly.


The Random Ones

1) When in a relationship, after a certain period of time has elapsed how important is it that you and your partner start doing things as a "couple" (ie: events, etc...) (a) Very important, if we're a couple we should be involved in each others lives, unless it's a special circumstance. (b) Some what important. It's important we give one another the choice to go as a couple, but not feel like we have to. (c) Not important. Hell, I don't want to have to bring him with me.

2) Is it important to know your partners sexual history? (a) Yes, I want to know all the details. (b) Depends, knowing how many partners he's been with is important. (c) No way. I don't want to know a single detail.

3) What are your thoughts on second chances? (a) I have limits for a reason, he knew them, he broke them, it's over...goodbye. (b) It depends on what he did and how bad it was, I'd more than likely give him a second chance.

4) Your guy is going out with the boys for the night, how do you expect him to act? (a) I expect him to keep to his group of friends only and ward off any advances from other girls. After all, he has a girlfriend. (b) I don't care if he chats with/buys drinks/flirts with other girls, as long as he keeps his hands to himself. (c) I don't care what my guy does, as long as he doesn't kiss or take another girl home; grind up on her all you want, he's coming home to me later.


5) Complete this sentence... "I wish more men would ______."

And there you have it, ladies. Twenty random questions from guys for girls.

Read what.she.said.goes' answers to these questions here.

REPLY: Math of the 20-something Single Guy

Great. Math. I'm not quite sure what math, especially that of the 20-something single guy, has to do with @whatshesaid's latest blog post. You can read it HERE because I know I am, for the first time, as I write this. All I know is that under our arrangement, I must respond to hers and she must respond to mine.

Oh, I know another thing, too. I know the only math that a 20-something single guy needs to know. Equation to follow...

FFN - BT + FD = PBCF :: In other words, Funds for the Night minus Bar Tab plus Free Drinks equals Post Bar Cash Flow. It basically determines whether one can get meat on a stick or pizza from some vendor, and whether one has to sleep outside, walk home or can afford a cab.

The post-bar cash flow equation is the most important and always calculated first. The answer is the basis and variable for any and all other equations. For example...

PBCF = PBF+ CH +/- (NFC) = NoD/HoD :: Post-Bar Cash Flow is equal to Post-Bar Food plus Cab Home plus or minus No Fat Chicks which is equal to the Number of Drinks divided into the Hours of Drinking. In other words, the amount of money left over will determined if you can eat and afford a cab home, with or without a girl that you picked up, preferably no fat chicks, which will be determined by how many drinks you have over the hours you're out. In laymans terms, with enough booze, the girls who don't look so good at 12 o'clock, look pretty good come the end of the night.

After closer inspection, though, I realize she isn't writing about anything of the sort.

In her post she says that the rule, rather than the exception is that guys who seem worth getting to know are always just visiting. Guess what, dear, so are many of the girls. It's not that they are just visiting, they're also taken. Trust me, guys go through the exact same thing.

Let me begin by answering her question, if there are any 20-something single guys in this city worth dating.

Answer: Yes.

Problem: Solved.

My good deed for the day: Check.

Secondly, let me point out that in her list of types of guys (go read it), she has put me at the top of her list: Good-looking + Great Job = Douchebag (Follow this link to see an earlier post in defense of douchebags) You shouldn't have. That's all that I have to say about that.

Thirdly, let me point out that she admits to saying that she doesn't want to settle down until she is 35. Before I go any further, there is nothing wrong with this, not just for her, but for anyone else out there - male or female - who has the same desire. What I will say is be careful.

While many of you may be in no rush, there are those out there who want something more. Knowing what you want is great, but letting someone else know that you have no intentions of really settling down for years to come...that, you may want to put out there.

Ladies, guys in their late-20s and early 30-s are most likely looking to settle down. If you have no desire to any time soon, speak up. It's only fair. There are those of us out there who want families, kids, the whole white picket fence. We don't want to invest time in someone who knows off the bat, that they don't want any of that until years and years down the road.

I also can't get behind her theory. I won't recite it, scroll up to the link and go read it for yourself. While it sounds great in theory...and may I add, she doesn't have any cool equations to back it up...she forgets to factor in an important detail: children.

I'm not going to get into it in this post. I have one coming all about it. I'll only say that the older we all get, children, or the desire to have increases exponentially, or decreases drastically. It might sound great that there will be a bunch of divorced people running around for us all, but it may not be as cut and dry for many of us who want or don't want kids after a certain age.

So where does this leave us? 

Like she says, could she pick one of those guys? Yes. Will she? No, because she has no intentions of settling down any time soon.

Ladies, where does this leave the rest of you? Sit around and wait and it may be too late. Act too soon and get hurt?

If you want to meet a guy who is a mixture of every type she described, which is what it seems most women want, look beyond where you're looking. I'm not going to do all the work for you, but here are three venues to check out.

1) The gym is a great place to meet people, but not your Good Life or Nubodys or other massive chain gym. Sign up to a community gym, or a campus gym if you can. At these gyms, 99 per cent of people - mostly guys - are there to just work out. They're not there to strut around in the latest gym wear, trying to lift their max weight for one rep to impress you. They'll spend more time between sets staring off into space than staring at you. They want to get in and get out. Most are also single. Who else works out at 7 or 8 pm?

2) Volunteering is another place. Although more women than men tend to volunteer, any guy coming through who is single obviously has time to kill. Just make sure he's volunteering by choice and it's not part of his community service.

3) And finally, a book club. This may be hit or miss on the type of guy that you want, but you'll know two things off the bat, a) He's intelligent enough to read and b) You'll learn about his interests and if you mesh indirectly, because you'll be forced into discussion and conversation.

While many of you may be thinking the same thing @whatshesaid was thinking, keep in mind that most of the time, us guys are looking at you and thinking, are there any girls worth dating?