Deal breakers, we all have them. Anyone who says differently is a liar. What most of us fail to do is mention to our prospective partners what these deal breakers are. Instead, we truck along until the person we're with becomes unbearable. If more of us just opened our mouths from the get-go, we wouldn't drive ourselves crazy getting out when we're too far in.
Sure, there are things that we can overlook, ignore and tolerate. Deal breakers should never be based on "wants", but instead on "needs". They are things that we need from another to want to be with them.
Over the years, over the countless dates, and the women in my life, if there is one thing I've learned it's to never compromise what my deal breakers are.
@whatshesaidgoes has outlined a number of major deal breakers for herself and many of these hold true for guys as well. Let's keep in mind that these aren't overarching rules and some people, for example, enjoy being smothered. But nonetheless, here goes...
1) Smothering
A lot of the women I've met are looking for one of two things. They want babies and they want them now, or they aren't sure exactly what they want. The ones looking for that guy to one day complete the family photo are often pushing too hard. At first, they seem innocent enough - out going, talkative and have their priorities straight. And while we show them the attention they deserve, they see husband material written all over us.
These are the girls who are always calling. They want to know when you're free and if you're not, why you can't be free. They want to spend more time with you than you're willing to give up for now.
Don't get me wrong. I have no issue when I'm with a girl who wants to see me as much as possible. And when we're out in public or behind closed doors, it doesn't bother me if she is glued to my hip. I just don't want it right away. That's something that comes with time.
It's not that a guy doesn't want to spend the time getting to know you. It's when he feels forced into doing, it becomes a chore. If you can give him the space he needs, he will spend more time with you.
As I told one girl: I have my life and you have yours. As we move forward together they will blend. If you force it, I'll be taking the first detour out.
Ah, here's something that men are accused of more than women. In fact, not enough women show their jealousy. And do you know what, they should. If you're jealous, tell the guy you're with. Hiding it will only make things worse when you blow up at him. Believe it or not, unlike women, we do find it slightly flattering.
With that said, there is a difference between jealousy and concern. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know what your significant other is doing, or where they are going. All normal and natural questions. There is also nothing wrong with asking someone to give you a call or send a message when they are out late, so you know they are home safe and sound.
The line gets crossed when the person you're with is texting you every 15 minutes, trying to have a conversation with you, or wanting to know where you are now. Or when they show up where you are, to see what you're up to.
@whatshesaidgoes raised two points in this section. 1) That it's not okay for a guy to take his own initiative to defend the girl he is with unless she asks for it, and 2) If she has a male friend, don't make her choose.
@whatshesaidgoes raised two points in this section. 1) That it's not okay for a guy to take his own initiative to defend the girl he is with unless she asks for it, and 2) If she has a male friend, don't make her choose.
I'm not going to get into either issue here in this post, those are both upcoming posts. What I will say is that she doesn't understand men well enough to know why we feel that way, and the reasons we do what we do.
3) Bad Sex
This isn't as an important concern for me, as it seems to be for @whatshesaidgoes. I've had tons of horrible sex over the years, but that's because most women aren't as sexually open and adventurous as I am. But, I never based my relationships on sex. A person can learn what you like, but they can't learn to be how you would like them.
4) Distance
4) Distance
One second you're too smothering, the next you're not smothering enough. If you're wondering why a guy hasn't called you back, it's because you haven't made an effort to get in touch with him.
We'll only chase you for so long. If you can't ask us out, at least once we ask and go out with you, you can take the initiative to ask us out the second time.
This is where my rules of 3 comes into play. I will ask a girl out once, twice, three times and then, it's up to her. It doesn't matter if the date gets canceled for some reason, or we're both busy when I suggest something. I'll make three attempts to see you and then if you want to see me again, you can ask. I'm not going to be the one asking so we can see one another.
5) The Job Factor
It may seem shallow, but unless you have a job I'm not going to date you. That's one reason why I don't date students. The only exception is, if you're pursuing higher education like your Masters or PHD, those obviously take a while. It's not that you're not making money, but I'm looking for someone who is in a similar position as I am.
Your job doesn't have to be anything glamorous either. It just has to be something that you enjoy and is career worthy. By that I mean, something that you intend on doing forever and for me, flipping burgers is not a forever kind of thing.
6) The Vices
One thing that @whatshesaidgoes didn't mention are the vices. There are many people out there who won't date a smoker. In the same vein, when I tell a girl that I'm not interested in someone because they do drugs, or drink too much, they seem to get upset. I'm all for partying, but if you're out on the town three or four nights a week, that's a little too much. Same goes for drugs. I have an anti-drug policy in my relationships. That includes all drugs, even pot. I know many people don't consider it a drug, but it's something due to past experiences, I don't need in my relationship. It's plain and simple, if you do it, even once, I will dump you. It's not like I didn't make it clear from the start.
7) The Inclusion Factor
In any relationship, over time, you become a part of each others lives. That means meeting friends, spending time together in groups and have generally being a part of each others lives. If I'm seeing someone that I want to be with, I will bring them around my friends. And to a degree I expect the same thing. While we all need and want time alone with our friends, having a secret group of people one never meets but always hears about can be a deal breaker. A lack of inclusion, over time, can lead to jealousy and not the good kind. I'm not going to hide the person I'm with away, so don't keep us in the closet either.
http://whatshesaidgoes.blogspot.com/2011/01/do-this-and-buh-bye-7-dealbreakers.html
5) The Job Factor
It may seem shallow, but unless you have a job I'm not going to date you. That's one reason why I don't date students. The only exception is, if you're pursuing higher education like your Masters or PHD, those obviously take a while. It's not that you're not making money, but I'm looking for someone who is in a similar position as I am.
Your job doesn't have to be anything glamorous either. It just has to be something that you enjoy and is career worthy. By that I mean, something that you intend on doing forever and for me, flipping burgers is not a forever kind of thing.
6) The Vices
One thing that @whatshesaidgoes didn't mention are the vices. There are many people out there who won't date a smoker. In the same vein, when I tell a girl that I'm not interested in someone because they do drugs, or drink too much, they seem to get upset. I'm all for partying, but if you're out on the town three or four nights a week, that's a little too much. Same goes for drugs. I have an anti-drug policy in my relationships. That includes all drugs, even pot. I know many people don't consider it a drug, but it's something due to past experiences, I don't need in my relationship. It's plain and simple, if you do it, even once, I will dump you. It's not like I didn't make it clear from the start.
7) The Inclusion Factor
In any relationship, over time, you become a part of each others lives. That means meeting friends, spending time together in groups and have generally being a part of each others lives. If I'm seeing someone that I want to be with, I will bring them around my friends. And to a degree I expect the same thing. While we all need and want time alone with our friends, having a secret group of people one never meets but always hears about can be a deal breaker. A lack of inclusion, over time, can lead to jealousy and not the good kind. I'm not going to hide the person I'm with away, so don't keep us in the closet either.
http://whatshesaidgoes.blogspot.com/2011/01/do-this-and-buh-bye-7-dealbreakers.html
I agree with most of these, especially the inclusion factor. Having deal breakers is the first step though, the second is having the resolve to actually leave once you see one of those lines get crossed.
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