In her post, The Butterfly Effect, @whatshesaidgoes does a great job of summing up the feeling that most of us seek when looking for a partner. That unexplainable sensation that makes us think of, and want the person, but we're not sure why.
Sure, we say that we feel a connection, or that we share so many common goals, wants and needs. But it's not even that. And for me, to try and explain it to all of you, wouldn't do it justice.
Like @whatshesaidgoes, girls that give me butterflies are also far and few in between. That could be why I'm single for so long between relationships. I can like someone and want to get to know them, but I realize quickly whether or not I have that overwhelming urge to see them again.
I know myself well. I know these butterflies we speak of don't appear on the first date. Sometimes, not even by the second or third. I've learned to be cautiously optimistic in my approach. Some say I over think. That's not true. Instead, I'm dissecting what may be an in the moment response, versus a genuine interest in the person.
@whatshesaidgoes and I have had very different weeks. Hers was a tough one, where mine was much easier. But before I get to that, I think I need to give her some advice and insight. And perhaps some for others that may be going through, and thinking the way she does.
While there's nothing wrong with her not having butterflies for the guy she's seeing, I think she crossed a boundary when it came to dating a friend. Not that it doesn't and shouldn't happen, but once that line is crossed and the feelings of one person are much stronger - much quicker than the other - it can create tension. If it doesn't work out it can lead to awkwardness in group settings or when another guy she likes comes into the mix.
For those of you in this situation, take a step back and consider what's more important. Do you want to keep/salvage the friendship you have, or continue on and risk a messy friend divorce?
My advice - cut it off. But, be respectful of the other person. After all, you will be spending time with this person. Just be cognizant of their feelings. Don't invite them out if your new crush is there. If you can't help it, at least keep a little distance to keep the peace. If you respect the friend aspect of your relationship first, a little time for the person to adjust isn't too much to ask for.
My week, like I said above was much different. Since meeting a certain someone I've had ample of opportunity to spend time and get to know the person. My approach of being cautiously optimistic is one that I would recommend to anyone. I enjoy her company. She makes me laugh. And she listens. A little too well I might add; always reminding me when she already told me something. No, I don't find it annoying. I find it rather adorable. (No, I'm not sucking up in this post because she knows of this blog.)
It's my belief that a person doesn't need to have those butterflies fluttering around inside them from day one. When have that initial interest in going out with them it's often not because of that unexplainable feeling. That feeling of desire can come later. Sometimes much later. You can like someone in that way without the butterflies.
If you're thinking, "here's that jaded old man coming out," it's not. For me it has not only to do with past experiences, but somewhat with the culture that I was raised in. And, the stories that I heard as a child. One, which I'll quickly share with you.
When my grandfather was born his mother died shortly after childbirth. My grandmother had six sisters, one of which was born around the same time. My grandmother's mother nursed him along with her own child, and my grandmother who was a few years older cared for my grandfather growing up.
At that time in Greece, during the war and a period of civil unrest in the years to come, it was common practice to marry within your own social circle. Since they were both poor, it was determined early on that my grandfather and my grandmother would be together. They grew up together, played together and cared for one another. While distance kept them apart at times they knew what their future held.
A foreign soldier stationed in their village had eyes for my grandmother but she refused his advances, knowing that she and my grandfather were to be married. There was no love between them as many of us often look for before we choose a mate. While I don't subscribe to this philosophy, I can understand it. Instead, they married out of common goals, wants, needs and like many others at the time, necessity.
Every day, up until the day he died a few years ago, they would look forward to their nights together. He would ring the door bell as he entered the house to let her know he was home with the scratch tickets she liked to play. While she would be there to ask him about his day. They would bicker and fight well into their old age, about everything and anything. But at the end of the day, they were at peace. Life, wouldn't be life without each other by their side.
The butterflies never came first. But you know what? They were there. And for her, still to this day since he's been gone, they're still there when she speaks of him.
And for the record, I'm not nauseous. I have those unexplainable butterflies.
