Despite what the image tells you, it's really not that complicated. In fact, an open relationship is easy once you know the rules, the players, a few basic concepts, and of course, you're able to communicate honestly and openly.
I've had many discussions with people on both sides of the issue, and while they often disagree on principle, they are more alike than they realize. And I don't mean on the fact that they will likely both disagree with my next comment.
In all of my open-relationships over the years I've learned that a "true" open-relationship is based in monogamy. And what I've also learned is that monogamists have a harder time grasping the concept of monogamy than the polyamorists. It seems that more and more people these days are exploring with the idea of an open-relationship. Many though, do it for the wrong reasons, and the wrong way. If you want to explore, here are 5 things to keep in mind:
1) Talk, Talk, and Talk Some More: If you're going to pursue an open-relationship you need to talk, and to talk openly. In order to avoid jealousy or resentment, one partner can't hold back desires or wants when an open-relationship is on the table. You may each not get everything you want, but you have to communicate what type of open-relationship you each want and what your boundaries are.
Boundaries and limits will take on different forms depending on the couple, but things that should be discussed are:
- Who, or what kind of people can join
- What kind of open-relationship do you both want
- What is appropriate contact with the same/opposite sex
It may seem like over-kill to get into the smallest of details, but is exploration worth possibly destroying a relationship you've spent months or years building? Remember, you have a primary partner that you come home to every day. They are your first priority.
2) Don't Do It Just Because: I've heard every bullshit excuse in the book when it comes to couples wanting to try an open-relationship. Hell, I've spouted out some of my own. The two most common are:
- We want to spice up our sex life. No you don't. One of you wants to try something...more like someone...fresh, and you're willing to let your significant other fuck someone so you can.
- It will make the guy/girl I'm with happy. Yeah, I'm sure it will, but will it make you happy? If you do it once, for that reason, then expect it to come up again.
The only reason a couple should explore opening their relationship is when they are doing it for themselves as a couple. It's a "we" thing, not a "me" thing. If you're in it together and tuned into the needs, wants and concerns of one another, you'll have fewer issues transitioning.
3) It's Not An Excuse To Cheat: In a monogamous relationship we trust that our partners will be faithful. In an open-relationship we allow our partners certain agreed upon freedoms that we trust they won't overstep.
There are many -- mostly those new to the lifestyle -- who think that an open-relationship means a free-for-all. Where, slipping up is not cheating. In arrangement where things such as playing together is a rule, an innocent kiss away from your partner IS considered cheating.
Last summer I started dating this girl for a few short months, who raised with me the idea of an open-relationship. Her offer: She only wanted to play as a couple and only have women join us. While she had friends that were open to joining us then and there, we decided that first, we had to establish a solid relationship. When we went downtown, she would enjoy it when I was dancing with, or all over some other girl for her to watch. While I was okay with that, it was only when we were together. Despite her assurance that I could go have "innocent" fun, as long as she could hear about it, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Anything solo, to me, is cheating.
4) Pick Your Partner(s) Carefully: Whether you're inviting one person to join, doing a full-swap, or any other combination, you should pick your partners very carefully. A few selection tips include:
- Stay away from friends. The only time a friend should be invited is when they can be trusted not to interfere after the fun has been had. A friend may seem like the best choice because of the comfort level, but can you look at one another the same moving forward?
- What's your name again? Don't pick just any random person(s), of course you should screen them first, but someone(s) you don't know are the best first option. Having a person or persons who are there for one thing, and one thing only, will alleviate any tension or pressure after the fact. This is a person you don't have to see again if you don't want to, or who you can call when you both feel like.
- Slow and Steady: Whomever you select, make sure they fully understand your limits and boundaries before proceeding. They should be comfortable taking time before things happen - if they do - and that they are fully aware anyone can pull out at any time. A back-out clause is a beautiful thing, especially if it's your first time. The ability to tell someone this has to stop, even after things have begun, should be agreed upon first.
5) Don't Neglect Your Partner: Unless you both swing both ways, one partner will be at a greater advantage than the other, sexually. And opening your relationship should never be more about one partner than the other. After all, you're doing this for both of you, and you should be paying equal attention to your partner as you are to the person who is joining you.
There is so much more I would have liked to touch upon, but the issue of an open-relationship is broad and often difficult to capture in one post. It truly is something that has to be explored verbally between two people. It's something that, while I've done in the past and continue to ponder to this day... would I ever do it again? Who knows? I certainly wouldn't tell anyone on here.
Believe it or not, this is actually a difficult post for me to write. It's not that I can't think of what to say, but instead, how to express it in words that will make sense, not just for the reader, but to myself.
In her post, The Butterfly Effect, @whatshesaidgoes does a great job of summing up the feeling that most of us seek when looking for a partner. That unexplainable sensation that makes us think of, and want the person, but we're not sure why.
Sure, we say that we feel a connection, or that we share so many common goals, wants and needs. But it's not even that. And for me, to try and explain it to all of you, wouldn't do it justice.
Like @whatshesaidgoes, girls that give me butterflies are also far and few in between. That could be why I'm single for so long between relationships. I can like someone and want to get to know them, but I realize quickly whether or not I have that overwhelming urge to see them again.
I know myself well. I know these butterflies we speak of don't appear on the first date. Sometimes, not even by the second or third. I've learned to be cautiously optimistic in my approach. Some say I over think. That's not true. Instead, I'm dissecting what may be an in the moment response, versus a genuine interest in the person.
@whatshesaidgoes and I have had very different weeks. Hers was a tough one, where mine was much easier. But before I get to that, I think I need to give her some advice and insight. And perhaps some for others that may be going through, and thinking the way she does.
While there's nothing wrong with her not having butterflies for the guy she's seeing, I think she crossed a boundary when it came to dating a friend. Not that it doesn't and shouldn't happen, but once that line is crossed and the feelings of one person are much stronger - much quicker than the other - it can create tension. If it doesn't work out it can lead to awkwardness in group settings or when another guy she likes comes into the mix.
For those of you in this situation, take a step back and consider what's more important. Do you want to keep/salvage the friendship you have, or continue on and risk a messy friend divorce?
My advice - cut it off. But, be respectful of the other person. After all, you will be spending time with this person. Just be cognizant of their feelings. Don't invite them out if your new crush is there. If you can't help it, at least keep a little distance to keep the peace. If you respect the friend aspect of your relationship first, a little time for the person to adjust isn't too much to ask for.
My week, like I said above was much different. Since meeting a certain someone I've had ample of opportunity to spend time and get to know the person. My approach of being cautiously optimistic is one that I would recommend to anyone. I enjoy her company. She makes me laugh. And she listens. A little too well I might add; always reminding me when she already told me something. No, I don't find it annoying. I find it rather adorable. (No, I'm not sucking up in this post because she knows of this blog.)
It's my belief that a person doesn't need to have those butterflies fluttering around inside them from day one. When have that initial interest in going out with them it's often not because of that unexplainable feeling. That feeling of desire can come later. Sometimes much later. You can like someone in that way without the butterflies.
If you're thinking, "here's that jaded old man coming out," it's not. For me it has not only to do with past experiences, but somewhat with the culture that I was raised in. And, the stories that I heard as a child. One, which I'll quickly share with you.
When my grandfather was born his mother died shortly after childbirth. My grandmother had six sisters, one of which was born around the same time. My grandmother's mother nursed him along with her own child, and my grandmother who was a few years older cared for my grandfather growing up.
At that time in Greece, during the war and a period of civil unrest in the years to come, it was common practice to marry within your own social circle. Since they were both poor, it was determined early on that my grandfather and my grandmother would be together. They grew up together, played together and cared for one another. While distance kept them apart at times they knew what their future held.
A foreign soldier stationed in their village had eyes for my grandmother but she refused his advances, knowing that she and my grandfather were to be married. There was no love between them as many of us often look for before we choose a mate. While I don't subscribe to this philosophy, I can understand it. Instead, they married out of common goals, wants, needs and like many others at the time, necessity.
Every day, up until the day he died a few years ago, they would look forward to their nights together. He would ring the door bell as he entered the house to let her know he was home with the scratch tickets she liked to play. While she would be there to ask him about his day. They would bicker and fight well into their old age, about everything and anything. But at the end of the day, they were at peace. Life, wouldn't be life without each other by their side.
The butterflies never came first. But you know what? They were there. And for her, still to this day since he's been gone, they're still there when she speaks of him.
And for the record, I'm not nauseous. I have those unexplainable butterflies.
