Getting Older Just Sucks or Maybe I'm Procrastinating

This post is long overdue. While I would like to say that I've been too busy - which I have been - I blame it solely on the fact that I've been procrastinating. This is one post that I don't really want to write.

It's not that I don't have things to say - the ideas keep running through my head whenever I think of writing - it's that I have the inkling feeling that I'm not ready to really deal, or confront it. To confront the fact that I'm getting old.


It's not the age that's the issue, it's everything that comes with getting older, or more specifically the things that aren't there as one gets older. I finally hit the big 'ole 2-8 (a few weeks ago now) and while most begin to worry when the first digit rolls over, I'm having that, "I'm almost 30" crisis.

This all stemmed from a baptism I attended shortly after my birthday. It was there that I realized in a room full of people I grew up with - friends and family - that I was one of the few single people in the room. To break it down even further, I was one of the few unmarried people in the room.  My cousins, my friends, they were all running around chasing their toddlers - a new baby coming around every second to be introduced; to see how big they've grown over the last few months. I, with very little to contribute to that scene, am still chasing girls whose ID's usually say 1990.

Frankly, it made me a little sick, and internally I questioned whether I missed the memo that it was time to settle down.


To be honest, this has been crossing my mind a lot lately and a lot sooner than when all this happened. I'm ready to settle down and start investing the time and energy into it, but the years and experiences have made me jaded. To give me that push, I decided today that I will start dating again - seriously dating - starting the new year. I may need the next month or so to procrastinate.

Somehow this post is shaping to be less about the age issue and more about what it is that I want from the dating world, and what kind of person I'm looking for.


I'm sure that @WhatSheSaidGoes will ultimately concluded that I'm just too damn picky. I've heard it all before from her - and others - but I think I should explain myself first.


Unlike, and I would say many, of my peers, I'm in a slightly different situation. At the ripe old age of 28, I am:

- Well educated and have a number of worldly experiences, so unlike many of my friends that have the urge to see the world and experience things, that isn't holding me back from putting down roots.

- Gainfully employed in a career that has room for advancement and one that is stable, where I can realistically stay until I retire.

- A home owner, which I am slowly but surely improving as time and money permits.


- Completely, and utterly, debt free. Credit card companies and banks hate me because more often than not, I carry credit on my accounts rather than a balance.


- Planning for my future and my retirement. Yes, it is years away, but I do see myself retiring well before 55 and spending every second year vacationing overseas.


If those few facts about me means that I'm picky when looking to meet someone, then so be it. But despite those things, I don't expect anyone that I meet to be in a similar position.


I'll be the first to admit that I flip-flop a lot when I meet someone. I seem to look for something wrong and can often justify it to myself why I should treat this person as a fling, rather than a serious contender. And partly, it's because commitment these days puts me off a little. The big part, though, is that I've worked very hard to achieve all these things and I don't want to lose everything that I've accomplished.


I'm going to stop right here and say, because she will say it in her post, "That's a bunch of bull, you won't lose everything you've accomplished because you are your own person." True, but how often do we lose sight of ourselves when we've fallen for someone and sacrifice too much, too soon?


So what am I looking for? It's really not all that complex - even though every day I point out a completely different girl.


The physical attraction is important the older we get. Meeting people becomes much more difficult and many times, ones looks are what initially attract us. Now, I'm no prize, but I don't think I'm at the bottom of the barrel either.


To me, someone physically attractive - and let me clarify here that it's someone who is physically attractive to me, I don't care what others think - someone who:

- takes care of themselves; you don't have to look like a supermodel, but I'm not interested in a slob. There is much more to be said about natural beauty, than someone who can look amazing after hours getting ready.


- is preferably tall - although height isn't that much of an issue - just no women who are taller than me.


- is fit; and fit doesn't mean athletic or thin. I'm not going to say no to someone with a perfectly toned body, but it's not a requirement. Just like thin, doesn't mean 5'10'' and 110lbs. If you look like you're anorexic and I have the urge to feed you all the time, I'm most likely not attracted.


And just to be picky for a moment.... a brunette. Now, nothing against any other hair colour - in fact, it doesn't really matter. I've just always been more physically attracted to brunettes with a darker/Mediterranean complexion. 

So you all know what I like to look at, but what do I really want in someone?

It's really not that different than what others seek - with a few exceptions with good reason. It should go without saying that faithfulness, honesty, trust and the like are givens. So those, I won't get into. But the person needs to have the following:


- Balance. I take care of my responsibilities first, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am, but I still love that wild and crazy night out. It may seem like my life is just that at the moment, but given the choice of a wild night downtown, and a quiet night in with someone, I'm picking the night in.


- An open-mind. I've been around the block one too many times and have, as a result, become desensitized to a lot. Very little offends or bothers me. There is very little that I won't do or try. Although it would be nice to meet someone who is the same, I'll settle for someone who can accept my past because my past isn't necessarily my future.


- A job: I don't care what you do, as long as you can support yourself. It's not that I don't take care of the person I'm with. I'm very old fashioned in that respect where I still pay for everything. I just want to be sure that I'm not being used for money, or material items. I'm no one's free-ride. I no longer date students - unless you're doing your Masters or PHD, count me out. I'm looking to settle down, build a future; if you're on your third degree and have no idea what you want to do, keep moving.


- Kids: This is a two-parter, which I'm not going to get into detail over. I want kids, some day, so if the person has no desire to have children, I'm not interested in more than a friendship. As for those who have children, I don't date people with children. I've tried it and it doesn't work for me. I want kids at some point in time, but I want the time right now to be between myself and the person I'm with, with no dependents in the picture.


- Space and Time. This is by far the most important. It might just be me, but space and time apart at the beginning is a good thing. I've met too many girls who want to spend all their time with me up front. And while it's great that they want to invest the time to get to know me, I have my own life. We all have our own lives. I don't need to see someone every day, or every other day, but I do need time to actually miss and want to see the person again. It doesn't mean I see someone on a Saturday and then lose all contact for a week. Checking in throughout the week to chat, or to make plans is fine with me. As you slowly get to know someone, that desire to see more of them will come. If it doesn't, they're not the one. My theory is you start off apart, and slowly work at coming together. You'll either meet somewhere in the middle, or you're veer off into two different directions - you'll go your own way, or you'll end up with a new friend.


So at the end of the day, is this really too much to ask? For some it might be. For me, I just know what I want.


Read the reply post by What.She.Said 

REPLY: Math of the 20-something Single Guy

Great. Math. I'm not quite sure what math, especially that of the 20-something single guy, has to do with @whatshesaid's latest blog post. You can read it HERE because I know I am, for the first time, as I write this. All I know is that under our arrangement, I must respond to hers and she must respond to mine.

Oh, I know another thing, too. I know the only math that a 20-something single guy needs to know. Equation to follow...

FFN - BT + FD = PBCF :: In other words, Funds for the Night minus Bar Tab plus Free Drinks equals Post Bar Cash Flow. It basically determines whether one can get meat on a stick or pizza from some vendor, and whether one has to sleep outside, walk home or can afford a cab.

The post-bar cash flow equation is the most important and always calculated first. The answer is the basis and variable for any and all other equations. For example...

PBCF = PBF+ CH +/- (NFC) = NoD/HoD :: Post-Bar Cash Flow is equal to Post-Bar Food plus Cab Home plus or minus No Fat Chicks which is equal to the Number of Drinks divided into the Hours of Drinking. In other words, the amount of money left over will determined if you can eat and afford a cab home, with or without a girl that you picked up, preferably no fat chicks, which will be determined by how many drinks you have over the hours you're out. In laymans terms, with enough booze, the girls who don't look so good at 12 o'clock, look pretty good come the end of the night.

After closer inspection, though, I realize she isn't writing about anything of the sort.

In her post she says that the rule, rather than the exception is that guys who seem worth getting to know are always just visiting. Guess what, dear, so are many of the girls. It's not that they are just visiting, they're also taken. Trust me, guys go through the exact same thing.

Let me begin by answering her question, if there are any 20-something single guys in this city worth dating.

Answer: Yes.

Problem: Solved.

My good deed for the day: Check.

Secondly, let me point out that in her list of types of guys (go read it), she has put me at the top of her list: Good-looking + Great Job = Douchebag (Follow this link to see an earlier post in defense of douchebags) You shouldn't have. That's all that I have to say about that.

Thirdly, let me point out that she admits to saying that she doesn't want to settle down until she is 35. Before I go any further, there is nothing wrong with this, not just for her, but for anyone else out there - male or female - who has the same desire. What I will say is be careful.

While many of you may be in no rush, there are those out there who want something more. Knowing what you want is great, but letting someone else know that you have no intentions of really settling down for years to come...that, you may want to put out there.

Ladies, guys in their late-20s and early 30-s are most likely looking to settle down. If you have no desire to any time soon, speak up. It's only fair. There are those of us out there who want families, kids, the whole white picket fence. We don't want to invest time in someone who knows off the bat, that they don't want any of that until years and years down the road.

I also can't get behind her theory. I won't recite it, scroll up to the link and go read it for yourself. While it sounds great in theory...and may I add, she doesn't have any cool equations to back it up...she forgets to factor in an important detail: children.

I'm not going to get into it in this post. I have one coming all about it. I'll only say that the older we all get, children, or the desire to have increases exponentially, or decreases drastically. It might sound great that there will be a bunch of divorced people running around for us all, but it may not be as cut and dry for many of us who want or don't want kids after a certain age.

So where does this leave us? 

Like she says, could she pick one of those guys? Yes. Will she? No, because she has no intentions of settling down any time soon.

Ladies, where does this leave the rest of you? Sit around and wait and it may be too late. Act too soon and get hurt?

If you want to meet a guy who is a mixture of every type she described, which is what it seems most women want, look beyond where you're looking. I'm not going to do all the work for you, but here are three venues to check out.

1) The gym is a great place to meet people, but not your Good Life or Nubodys or other massive chain gym. Sign up to a community gym, or a campus gym if you can. At these gyms, 99 per cent of people - mostly guys - are there to just work out. They're not there to strut around in the latest gym wear, trying to lift their max weight for one rep to impress you. They'll spend more time between sets staring off into space than staring at you. They want to get in and get out. Most are also single. Who else works out at 7 or 8 pm?

2) Volunteering is another place. Although more women than men tend to volunteer, any guy coming through who is single obviously has time to kill. Just make sure he's volunteering by choice and it's not part of his community service.

3) And finally, a book club. This may be hit or miss on the type of guy that you want, but you'll know two things off the bat, a) He's intelligent enough to read and b) You'll learn about his interests and if you mesh indirectly, because you'll be forced into discussion and conversation.

While many of you may be thinking the same thing @whatshesaid was thinking, keep in mind that most of the time, us guys are looking at you and thinking, are there any girls worth dating?

Reply: Why Does EVERY Breakup Have to be Epic?

Ah, the breakup. The one thing that many of us dread having to do and also the one thing many of us dread having done to us.

So why does every breakup have to be so epic? 

Answer: Mutual breakups are far and few in between. In my opinion, they are a fluke of nature. When was the last time you ever heard of, or had a breakup that went like this?

Partner 1: "Look, I think we need to talk. You're nice, caring and a great person, but there is just something missing. I just don't feel that connection and think that this isn't going to work."

Partner 2: "Really? You think so? Oh, God, that is such a relief to hear. I feel the exact same way. I'm glad you brought this up."

Partner 1: "Friends?"

Partner 2: "Of course. I think we'll make great friends."

Ughhhh....I-don't-fucking-think-so. It doesn't happen. And if you say that yes, that it has for you, you must have some lucky horseshoe buried somewhere deep inside you.

What.She.Said says she hates breaking up not because it's sad, not because she's scared she'll hurt someone or be hurt, but because it's always long, drawn out and exhausting. And you know what, for once I have to agree - but not wholly. And while I may agree in part, we often do it to ourselves.

In her post, which you can read HERE she says she was seeing a guy for a couple of months. He was great, kind and caring. Unlike most of you, I'm privy to more information and have met said boyfriend.

He was a really nice guy. Genuinely nice. He wasn't out to sleep with her and then take off. He was the type of guy who would bend over backwards - and he did - but to her credit, he did it too much, too soon.

While, as she claims he was suffocating her - and I can see how that was the case - I will say in his defense, she brought a lot of it upon herself.

One thing about What.She.Said, that I have to put out here in order that you know where I'm coming from, is that she doesn't like to be bored. She isn't ready to settle down (completely), but  wants someone to spend time with (a boyfriend-type). She wants someone to spend those quiet nights in and those nights out. She wants inter-dependence that comes with a relationship, but independence that comes without being in one. She wants it all. And the fact is, no one can have it all, all the time.

Where I fault What.She.Said is that she didn't end it soon enough. In the weeks that led up to this, said boyfriend was still in the picture, but What.She.Said was living her life as though he was already gone. 

Ladies and gentlemen, when you're in a situation where you're just not feeling it, giving it some time to see if the person is for you is alright. But be cautious. Too much time means giving the person the wrong impression. Also, at least have the decency to end it, before you start looking for someone new. If you have the conversation when you first start feeling it, that epic breakup can be avoided much sooner.

In every relationship one person always likes the other person more. Who is that person? It's the dumpee, not the dumper. That's why breakups are long and drawn out. There is always one person who doesn't want it to end and can never truly figure out why they aren't wanted.

What.She.Said thinks that the amount of time invested in a breakup is determined by the length of time together. Wrong. It's the amount of investment the dumpee thinks they put in for their heart-breaking end result. It's the emotionally connection and loss that they feel. The greater the connection one feels, the longer it takes to let it all go.

While What.She.Said and I often disagree on many matters when it comes to love and loss, I can agree on another point of hers:

In high school everything seems like the end of the world, especially losing a boyfriend. But by the time you hit 20-something, relationships are no longer high school flings. If it is going to be the long-term, forever, starry kind of romance then it has to right for both people. And 20-somethings are much more focused on finding someone for the long hall, especially entering the latter years.

As we get older, 20-somethings are more focused on the long-term result. You think it would be easy to just lay it all out there and walk-away if it wasn't right. So why can't many of us have this?

Too many of us enter relationships based on emotions. We jump the gun with that connection. We rush head-over-heels into something and find ourselves caught up in the trappings of the honeymoon stage.

I too have been guilty of this in the past. I too, at times, find myself caught up in the romance of the person, instead of seeing the person for who and what they are.

These days, I try and approach things a little differently. And I would suggest that many of you in these situations face them the same way; my fellow blogger included.

When I meet someone I have the following checklist:

1) Am I attracted to them physically?

2) Do we have some (not all) similar interests?

3) Do we get along and can I tolerate them?

4) Do they want (at some point in time) similar things that I do?

5) Could I see them as a potential long-term partner?

It may seem sterile and robotic to use a checklist. You're probably wondering, where is the connection, the lust, the butterflies? They're around; around but suppressed as best as I can.

So why suppress them? 

The answer is simple. I don't want my emotions to cloud my judgment and then I find myself in an epic breakup situation. If I can answer yes to all of those, and get to know the person based on those things, I slowly allow emotions to creep in. I'm not saying don't let it be a part of the equation. Just don't let it be the only reason.

Oh, and it doesn't hurt to qualify your potential desire to enter a relationship with someone. Just be up front. Simply tell them that you're interested in seeing where things may lead and that you want to take your time. You're not promising them that they will be the one, only that you'll see how things go, one day at a time.