Cheating: Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

A few weeks ago I tweeted a question, how many times do you think I've cheated? I tweeted it as a teaser to this blog post about cheating and yes, I will reveal the answer - just not yet. As I thought more about the topic, it made me think back to so many failed relationships that, unfortunately, were ruined due to cheating.


As a side note, it seems that there is a little pool going on to see who has guessed the answer. To the winner, you're welcome.

Cheating for me is a deal breaker. In fact, it is tied with drug use in my relationships. I can't and won't tolerate it. I'm always amazed that so many people I know can forgive - and have forgiven - their significant others for being unfaithful. When I say zero tolerance, I mean zero tolerance. One simple innocent kiss and I'm dumping you on the spot. The only reason I'd keep you around is to get revenge. Yes, that's right. I'm a Scorpio. I'll drop everything for the person I'm with, but fuck me over like that and I'm a vengeful son of a bitch.


So it's safe to say I have trust issues. And for good reason. Since I started dating around the age of 15, I have been out with close to 100 different people - give or take - over the last 13 years.

Before anyone calls me out on that, no, it's true. If you need confirmation ask @whatshesaidgoes, she knows my dating history over the last three years alone. I keep a list in my phone with names so I can remember who is who. In 2010, that list had 34 names on it. Three weeks into 2011, there are already four.

Out of those 100 or so dates, I've only been in six, yes six, actual relationships spanning anywhere from a few months to a few years. I've spent a little more than half my dating life in relationships and what did I learn from them? That it's hard to trust. From the first girlfriend to the last, I've been cheated on in every relationship except for one - at least that I know of.


So as you can see, I don't take cheating lightly. And I may sound like a hypocrite here, but I have been the other guy many, many times. I've broken up relationships and come between marriages.

So being cheated on repeatedly and being the other guy, have I cheated? The answer is yes. How many times? Once. Well, I only consider it to be once, but @whatshesaidgoes considers the "other" time to be cheating. So here for all, I'm going to clarify that it wasn't cheating.

This past summer I was the best man at my friend's wedding in Ottawa. A few weeks before i left, I met a girl. We were "seeing" one another with no relationship title. When I left for Ottawa we were still getting to know one another and the night I landed in Ottawa, I headed straight to the bar where we were having a dual bachelor/bachlorette party. I ended up leaving with the Maid of Honor - who I may add had a boyfriend back in Calgary - and the next day, the girl I was seeing called me in a drunken stupor demanding to know if we were going to be a couple or not. To shut her up, I said yes. When in fact I would have said yes when I returned. Technically, I was single.

But I do admit to cheating once. It was a few years ago, at the beginning of a relationship when and old friend with benefits and I were wrapping up. It was, well, one more for the road. It was one night, one time, and you know what? I was so disgusted with myself that the guilt I felt after that night made me break off any contact with that friend, forever. I still think about it to this day.

It's not that I haven't had opportunities to cheat in the past. I've had many. I've had opportunities to cheat with my girlfriend's friends; with old friends with benefits; and with friends that I have. I've even had girls I've dated tell me that they would be turned on by me being with other women. But you know what? After that one time, I couldn't do it. I'll play as a couple, but never alone. And when my relationships are closed, I never give what it may be like with someone else a first thought, let alone a second.

When I'm single, I'm a promiscuous, self-proclaimed asshole. If it has a skirt, two legs and tits, I'll go after it. But when I'm with someone, I'm the most faithful motherfucker you'll ever meet.

Mother Theresa has nothing on me. 

To find out what @whatshesaidgoes, check her reply here.

Relationship Deal Breakers: Reasons Why Your Ass Might Get Dumped

 

Deal breakers, we all have them. Anyone who says differently is a liar. What most of us fail to do is mention to our prospective partners what these deal breakers are. Instead, we truck along until the person we're with becomes unbearable. If more of us just opened our mouths from the get-go, we wouldn't drive ourselves crazy getting out when we're too far in.

Sure, there are things that we can overlook, ignore and tolerate. Deal breakers should never be based on "wants", but instead on "needs". They are things that we need from another to want to be with them. 

Over the years, over the countless dates, and the women in my life, if there is one thing I've learned it's to never compromise what my deal breakers are.

@whatshesaidgoes has outlined a number of major deal breakers for herself and many of these hold true for guys as well. Let's keep in mind that these aren't overarching rules and some people, for example, enjoy being smothered. But nonetheless, here goes...

1) Smothering

A lot of the women I've met are looking for one of two things. They want babies and they want them now, or they aren't sure exactly what they want. The ones looking for that guy to one day complete the family photo are often pushing too hard. At first, they seem innocent enough - out going, talkative and have their priorities straight. And while we show them the attention they deserve, they see husband material written all over us.

These are the girls who are always calling. They want to know when you're free and if you're not, why you can't be free. They want to spend more time with you than you're willing to give up for now.

Don't get me wrong. I have no issue when I'm with a girl who wants to see me as much as possible. And when we're out in public or behind closed doors, it doesn't bother me if she is glued to my hip. I just don't want it right away. That's something that comes with time.

It's not that a guy doesn't want to spend the time getting to know you. It's when he feels forced into doing, it becomes a chore. If you can give him the space he needs, he will spend more time with you.

As I told one girl: I have my life and you have yours. As we move forward together they will blend. If you force it, I'll be taking the first detour out. 

2) Jealousy/Possessiveness 

Ah, here's something that men are accused of more than women. In fact, not enough women show their jealousy. And do you know what, they should. If you're jealous, tell the guy you're with. Hiding it will only make things worse when you blow up at him. Believe it or not, unlike women, we do find it slightly flattering.

With that said, there is a difference between jealousy and concern. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know what your significant other is doing, or where they are going. All normal and natural questions. There is also nothing wrong with asking someone to give you a call or send a message when they are out late, so you know they are home safe and sound.

The line gets crossed when the person you're with is texting you every 15 minutes, trying to have a conversation with you, or wanting to know where you are now. Or when they show up where you are, to see what you're up to.

@whatshesaidgoes raised two points in this section. 1) That it's not okay for a guy to take his own initiative to defend the girl he is with unless she asks for it, and 2) If she has a male friend, don't make her choose.

I'm not going to get into either issue here in this post, those are both upcoming posts. What I will say is that she doesn't understand men well enough to know why we feel that way, and the reasons we do what we do.

3) Bad Sex

This isn't as an important concern for me, as it seems to be for @whatshesaidgoes. I've had tons of horrible sex over the years, but that's because most women aren't as sexually open and adventurous as I am. But, I never based my relationships on sex. A person can learn what you like, but they can't learn to be how you would like them.

4) Distance

One second you're too smothering, the next you're not smothering enough. If you're wondering why a guy hasn't called you back, it's because you haven't made an effort to get in touch with him.

We'll only chase you for so long. If you can't ask us out, at least once we ask and go out with you, you can take the initiative to ask us out the second time.

This is where my rules of 3 comes into play. I will ask a girl out once, twice, three times and then, it's up to her. It doesn't matter if the date gets canceled for some reason, or we're both busy when I suggest something. I'll make three attempts to see you and then if you want to see me again, you can ask. I'm not going to be the one asking so we can see one another. 

5) The Job Factor

It may seem shallow, but unless you have a job I'm not going to date you. That's one reason why I don't date students. The only exception is, if you're pursuing higher education like your Masters or PHD, those obviously take a while. It's not that you're not making money, but I'm looking for someone who is in a similar position as I am.

Your job doesn't have to be anything glamorous either. It just has to be something that you enjoy and is career worthy. By that I mean, something that you intend on doing forever and for me, flipping burgers is not a forever kind of thing. 

6) The Vices 

One thing that @whatshesaidgoes didn't mention are the vices. There are many people out there who won't date a smoker. In the same vein, when I tell a girl that I'm not interested in someone because they do drugs, or drink too much, they seem to get upset. I'm all for partying, but if you're out on the town three or four nights a week, that's a little too much. Same goes for drugs. I have an anti-drug policy in my relationships. That includes all drugs, even pot. I know many people don't consider it a drug, but it's something due to past experiences, I don't need in my relationship. It's plain and simple, if you do it, even once, I will dump you. It's not like I didn't make it clear from the start.

7) The Inclusion Factor 

 In any relationship, over time, you become a part of each others lives. That means meeting friends, spending time together in groups and have generally being a part of each others lives. If I'm seeing someone that I want to be with, I will bring them around my friends. And to a degree I expect the same thing. While we all need and want time alone with our friends, having a secret group of people one never meets but always hears about can be a deal breaker. A lack of inclusion, over time, can lead to jealousy and not the good kind. I'm not going to hide the person I'm with away, so don't keep us in the closet either.

http://whatshesaidgoes.blogspot.com/2011/01/do-this-and-buh-bye-7-dealbreakers.html

Reply: Chivalry or Where Did All Our Heros Go?

Not going lie. That last blog post (Chivalry or Where Did All Our Heroes Go) by @whatshesaidgoes made me a little mad.

So let me break some news to you all -- chivalry isn't dead. It's just selective.

And frankly, we're getting tired of trying to be "chivalrous" to every girl we meet. You want a guy to take the lead one moment, but then when the guy continues to do it you scream, "You're smothering me" and "I'm too independent for this shit."

In her post she makes some valid points that I can agree with:

- A guy should pay for the first date. It may sound old fashioned but it's true. The only time a guy shouldn't be paying is when it's no longer considered a date. It has nothing to do with "being a guy", but the guy should always pay. Even in my relationships, months or years in, I always still paid for everything. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to.

- Being attentive. This doesn't apply just to guys. If we're expected to take the lead then at least make it somewhat easier for us. Is it that hard to ask us a couple of questions so we're not racking our brains in between dead silence? While we may be interested in hearing all about you, we do need some time to just stop and think.

One thing in her post that I can't agree with is:

- The guy has to ask the girl out. Many guys don't do well with hints. If you want to go out with us, ask us. If we say no, so what. There are many times that I have to sit and listen to @whatshesaidgoes complain how a guy hasn't asked her out yet. And my answer is always the same: Ask him out. Otherwise ladies, suck it up and sit home with your cat on a Saturday night.


And now to the parts of her post that really struck a cord. @whatshesaidgoes always likes to leave context out of her posts when it relates to me.

For example she says: @isaiditnowdeal doesn't see the point in telling a girl she looks nice. He always says that if he's with a girl, he obviously thinks  she looks nice, so why is there a need to say it all the time.

 There is some truth to her claim. I don't always tell a girl that she looks nice. It's not that I don't think they look nice, most times I do. I just don't feel that it always needs to be said. The only reason that @whatshesaidgoes likes to hear it all the time is because she wants to feel wanted. As we indicated in other posts, she is needy. I want a girl to feel wanted, but I'd rather show her than have to tell her all the time. The thing is, I treat them the way I want to be treated. You can tell me I look nice all the time, but talk is cheap - show me.

It's like the word love. I use that word sparingly. For those that I have actually loved, I didn't run around and smother them with the word. It's a word that often gets thrown around and I think, has lost its meaning for most. But that is a topic for a future post.


There are many more men out there who have that chivalrous/romantic side to them than most women know. But many want it up front. You just never give most of us a chance to get that far to show you.

The original post: Chivalry or Where Did All Our Heros Go?

Why We'll Never Date - @whatshesaidgoes

Let's clear it up. @whatshesaidgoes and I will never date. People ask. People assume. I'm pretty sure most of you think hurry up already and get it over with. I'm sorry to disappoint you all, but it's not going to happen.

It's not like the conversation hasn't come up between us. Usually it's always after someone makes a comment about how we fight like a married couple - it is true, we do. Even after I dumped one of my ex's and in a drunken state agreed to breakfast with both her and @whatshesaidgoes (not what you're thinking, but I wish the night before breakfast with both went that way too) the waitress mistook @whatshesaidgoes and I as the couple.

But it's a little more complicated than that. Now, don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. Even though it seems like an eternity, we have only known one another for about four years. We work close to one another, so we see one another throughout the week. We live close by, so she always makes it a point to drop in. In fact, if we did enter some kind of union it would work quite well.


Yes, I'll admit it.

There are very few secrets between us. There is that comfort that exists where I don't really care what I say around her. Hell, half the time I don't care if I'm clothed around her or not. She's needy and I, even though I won't always admit it, am a pushover at times. She gets what she wants and I don't (always) mind doing it. We've hit that point where, we will sit side by side and not say a word to one another, but nothing needs to be said.


So you're thinking, what's the problem?

There are a few things that I can't get into in this blog, which may or may not "out" one or both of us. What I can say when you're as close as we are, dating is most likely a bad idea. So here are the top 3 reasons why, in my opinion, @whatshesaidgoes and I won't date. 

1) We know too much about one another. I'm sure after years of hearing me talk about every girl I've been with and which girls I want to be with - some of which are friends of hers - it could create an air of discomfort. In a relationship, I'm slightly the jealous type. Knowing these things about her, may cause some tension. While I'm willing to give things up, and this includes people in my life who aren't close to me in order to be with someone - she isn't. What we know about one another may create jealousy that will create problems.

2) She needs to be entertained. Don't get me wrong, I like to go out and have fun, but at this stage in my life I'm very much the type to stay in more than go out. I love to party - and party hard - but I leave it to the weekends. While I'm content with going to work and coming home to relax during the week, I know for a fact that one major issue for her would be our differing needs of social interaction. While I'm sure she will say that I can stay home while she goes out because she likes her space, there will be times she will want me there. While I will concede at times, I always won't and she will feel neglected.

3) She has no intentions (or so she says) to settle down until 35. I'm not getting any younger. If I meet someone whom I enjoy being with and things progress to a point where I see a future with this person, I will want to settle down. I will want to start a family. Despite my other two reasons, which I'm sure compromise could be found, this is a deal breaker for me.


So all in all, we shall remain where we are. I'm sure she has great reasons against, in her upcoming post. 


But hey! There's always 45 and single. Kiddo, you me and a Justice of the Peace. Maybe then I'll get some action in this sexless marriage thing we have going on.