Reply: Just One of the Guys....or Not

Let me cut to the chase and answer @whatshesaidgoes' question: Can guys just be friends with a girl long-term? 


The answer is, yes. Guys and girls can be "just" friends. 

Allow me to clarify though, that romantic involvement and sexual involvement are two different things. Romantic involvement is often what ruins a friendship. Sexual involvement can often be started and stopped without any long-term repercussion to the friendship.

And while I'm at it, let me answer her second unasked question: it made me wonder if most guys do in fact hang out with girls in the hopes that they'll one day sleep with them. 

The answer is also, yes. I can count on one hand the number of girls that I can consider "friends" that I haven't been involved with. Most times, they end up being the latter before they become a friend. But back to the topic at hand. While men and women can be friends, it's not as simple as many women may like it to be.

The way I see it - which I'll get into detail below - there are three levels of male-female friendships. The one thing they all have in common is communication. Despite how close of a friend, or how much of an acquaintance, maintaining a male-female "friendship" relies on being open.

The circumstance that what.she.said.goes finds herself in is that she can be just one of the guys. In my opinion, most guys like this quality in a girl. All of the girls that I've been attracted to, or dated, have been able to be just one of the guys, while still maintaining that girlie side. For a girl who acts like one of the guys, talks like one of the guys and enjoys many of the same things that the guys do, men will often be more comfortable and open around them. This can often be problematic.


As I mentioned above there are three types of male-female friendships.


The first one is what I would call the acquaintance. The acquaintance is that guy who you know in passing. You talk to him when you see him. You know a bit about him, but for the most part who and what he is is still a mystery to you. You don't involve yourself with knowing more about him than what you need to know. He is most often the guy who hangs around your group of closer friends and the only time you're around him is when you're out with other people. This guy is the wild card. He may or may not have the guts to make a move on you, but if he does, he has the least to lose. He doesn't have to interact with you on a daily basis and if you shoot him down, he will just move on to the next thing in a skirt.


The second type is the friend. The friend is that guy who is actually a friend. He is the one that you keep in touch with and hang out with from time to time. You can spend time with him one-on-one and enjoy his company. You feel comfortable around him and can speak openly. The two of you get along great. He is also the one that you have to watch out for the most. He is the one who will try, if he can, to blur the lines and if given the chance will try to sleep with you. Unlike the acquaintance who has nothing to lose, the friend can possibly ruin the friendship by trying to make a move. So why would he? He feels comfortable and knows that should something happen, it won't change a thing. You'll continue to be friends and if possible, with benefits. The issue with involving yourself with the friend, unlike the acquaintance, is that more often than not the friend usually has more feelings for you than he lets on.


The third and final type of friend is the best friend. This is the guy, or it can be more than one guy, that you're closest to. With the best friend you can truly be yourself around. You can fight and argue without it being an issue, you can change in front of one another and you don't give it a second thought, you know each others wants and needs; basically, you interact as if you are a couple. If you've made it through the acquaintance stage with no issue, and if you've made it through the friend stage with no issue, the best friend is the one that you have the least to worry about. If he hasn't made a move up until now, he probably never will. If he does, he is most likely the safest option. You're all thinking, why would you take a chance with the person you're closest with? Reason: You may have the most to lose from this, but you also have the most comfort and opportunity to be open with one another. If you haven't ended up together by now, you probably never will. So you may as well enjoy the extras in life until one of you settle down. It will also be the easiest of the three to break off in the end. Your best friend will understand that you're off-limits and won't pursue you; he'll want you to be happy with someone. Unlike the other two, who won't give a shit if you're with someone or not, he'll go back to just being your best friend and not make move.

Regardless which of the three types you find yourself wrestling with, communication is the common theme. With guy 1, you can just say no and forget about it - he doesn't need a reason why you turned him down. With guy 2, you can't just say no and walk away, you need to give him a reason why and be on the same level. With guy 3, you absolutely need to have the talk to ensure that there is no confusion about what it is and what it means, and when it ends.

While what.she.said.goes has a right to be frustrated and it comes through in her post, she lumps all these types of guys into one and sees them all in the same light. You can't control the actions of another, all that you can do is tell them where they stand. If they can't accept it, it's their loss. If they can, then do both of you a favour - don't make it awkward. Pretend it never happened.

Oh, and one more thing. If you do involve yourself with either one of these three types, you can't just pick up and walk away from the last two. While you can drop the acquaintance, the friend and best friend need a little more finesse. How would you like it if someone you were involved with suddenly decided that they didn't want to touch you anymore, with no reason?

For the original post, check out: Just One of the Guys....or Not