Dateable or Just Fuckable?

I keep getting asked, by people, "why won't he date me?" It may be that he's just not ready; possibly that he's too shy to make that step; or maybe he just wants one thing.

The question that should be asked is, am I dateable or just fuckable?



When a guy looks at a girl, the first impression is purely physical. It's from that initial look that a girl falls into one of two categories: 

1) Dateable; the kind of girl you want to get to know and possibly date. 
2) Fuckable; the kind of girl you want to get to know and get into bed quickly.

Do you disagree? Well, it's true.



How many times have you heard a guy say that she's "hot" or that he "wants" her. Gawking at the girl every chance he gets? And then, on the other hand, how many times have you heard a guy say, she's "nice", "cute" and other endearing words?

Riding the bus home yesterday, there were three girls in my line of sight. One, instantly, to me, was fuckable. The other two, dateable. So what's the difference?

The deciding factor is often image.

Every guy may look at the model-like girl, but no guy really wants to date her, because every other guy wants her too. Instead, guys want an attractive girl; one which everyone knows is attractive, but everyone isn't drooling behind her like a lost puppy.

The first girl on the bus was fuckable. She left nothing to the imagination, with half her body hanging out it was a little hard to look forward without staring. You could catch the gaze of every guy on that bus trying to catch a look, without her noticing. Women will argue, so what? She wants guys to look; maybe she's comfortable enough with her body to show it off. I don't disagree, but at 3pm on a Wednesday afternoon, on the bus, isn't the time and place.

The other two girls, one behind her and another in front of her were dateable. They were well dressed and they knew they looked good, but didn't have to flaunt it to a bus load of strangers.

Most guys want a natural girl. Sure, we love it when the person we're with can clean up nicely; when she can be that girl with little left to the imagination, but we don't want her all the time. Save it for that night out with us, or in the bedroom. 

We're looking for that dateable girl. The one who can toss on a pair of sweats and run to the store to grab a carton of milk, and not care what she looks like. Yes, we can pick out the fuckable ones in the grocery store, even. You can tell that they spent an hour getting ready just to pick up a loaf of bread.



So keep it in mind next time a guy just walks up to you and talks to you. Is it because you're giving him that fuckable impression, or are you dateable?

Behind The Douche

They're everywhere. Often misunderstood; often, stereotyped. At times, I say that I'm a self-proclaimed douchebag. And to be honest, sometimes I am. Most guys, in their lifetime, will find themselves in this category. Some out-grow it. Others, are stuck in a spiraling circle that they just can't seem to break out of.

I was compelled to write this post because of a conversation I had with a friend. 

There is this misconception that a guy, who is considered a douchebag, is a horrible person out with one agenda in mind and nothing will stand in his way. While the latter is true - that there is a motive behind everything he does toward women - to claim that many are horrible is untrue.

For these guys, myself included, there is almost a reason why they act this way. A reason for why they come off as someone who doesn't care about what others think, often being labeled as cold; a reason why they may seem nice on the outside but end up hurting or causing grief to the women they meet.


It's because, they've experienced something in their lives that just won't allow them to break through that barrier they've set up. It's a front. It's a wall. It's a way to keep control of their lives at any cost, by distancing themselves from what could potentially happen and to be the ones not to get hurt in the end. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work.


Behind each of these people is a counter-opposite. They are, in fact, some of the nicest people you will meet. They are the type of people who see what is out there and want so much more, but like any addiction, they can't break the cycle of what they do. They are trapped.


They meet girls, spend a short period of time with them, get what they want and then, when things are actually going well, they leave. They usually don't intend to hurt the other person, but for the time that they spend with the person, they feel like the most important person. It is, after all, an insecurity.

If you look hard enough, you will see that many share one thing in common - fear. We have lost something in our lives at one point - whether it be someone we cared about, or the acceptance of someone we were close to. 



In my case, growing up, I fended for myself. My parents always had faith that I would do the right thing and because of that, they worried very little about me. They also worked, a lot. I, looking for some kind of acceptance and attention, would go out of my way to try and find it. I was too young to realize at the time that they actually did see the things that I did, but their hard and tough background meant they showed little affection and emotion. I sought those things from the strings of girlfriends that I had over the years and not realizing it then; I would never find what I was looking for because the standard of what I thought I had to set, was too high to ever achieve. It was an unrealistic goal.


Instead, I discovered that by disregarding all the rules I could get what I want temporarily and then move on to the next, in order to feel that acceptance I've always wanted. This, obviously, has its consequences.


For many of these guys, it's acceptance that they want. They are tired of rejection in their lives, and by having the power to reject, it makes them feel safe. Unfortunately, when they do let down their guard, it's often too late, and what they realize what they could have had, it's gone.


So don't write these guys off. But be warned, sticking it out is a game of chance. They sometimes need to be prodded to open up. That hard exterior isn't easy to break through, but persistence will pay off. Sometimes, it's what we want. The cold hard reality of what we are to confront us, so that we see that someone actually cares what we think and feel.


In all my years, only twice has anyone ever confronted me - the first time 10 years ago; the second, the other day. In both cases, it wasn't a family member; it wasn't a girlfriend; but it was a friend.


Did I open up?


No.


Did I want to?


Yes.

Confessions

I have a confession.

I'm not over my ex. 

And it has been more than a year since we split.



Why am I writing about this? I don't even know. Maybe it's just time to put it out there. Maybe this is that cathartic moment I need.

She and I were like, fire and ice; hot and cold. When it was good, it was perfect. When it was bad, all hell broke loose.

What I do know is that she is the only memorable person that I have yet to meet. She was the only reason that I changed my ways; pulling me out of a three year slump when my life was literally spinning out of control. When the partying, the drinking, the lack of faith, desire to accomplish, and the people; the many people and reckless situations I put myself in, was pushing me over the edge.


Like so many other people these days, we had met online. I was still in that party phase, where every girl I met was just another good time. The phase, that I seem to have fallen back into over the last year.


Through our few exchanges of e-mails, I was surprised at how open she was. And I, in cold and reckless way, decided that she would just be another notch on my belt. Neither of us wanted anything, after all she was leaving this city a few short weeks later for home. So when I propsed the idea of a fling, she didn't object. 


Our first "date" if you want to call it that, meant I had to pick her up. I got lost trying to find her and that broke the ice. We still laughed at it years later. That one hour coffee at 9am; just to meet and see if we wanted to jump in the sack the next time around, lasted until four in the afternoon. We walked the city. Talked about everything. And a connection was formed.


When I asked to see her again the following week, I told her that I was having second thoughts. I wanted to get to know her, instead of just sleeping with her. I was nervous. I was scared. I felt that instant connection.


She left for home and when I thought that was it, somehow, we both felt that we would see one another again. And we did, the following week. Weekends were spent traveling back and forth for almost a year.


I, a rigid Scorpio. She, a spontaneous Libra. We were either destined for greatness or like the story played out, disaster.


Her ambitions. Her outgoing personality. That's what drew me to her. My sensibility. My grounded sense of self and responsibility. That's what drew her to me. But, there was more to that. We were both damaged in so many ways. We shared a similar past. We were both, for a lack of a better word, twisted. We often hesitated to tell one another parts of our past for fear of rejection. But when it came out, we did our best to accept it, because we wanted one another. We had a facade on the outside. That perfect couple that was good in every way. On the inside, we shared a twisted sense of humor and alternative thoughts, feelings and desires. Where we could express and be ourselves, together.


We shared. Absolute comfort. In one another.


She was no princess. That I know. And I was no saint. More than once I thought about straying and the opportunities arose many times. I held fast to what I wanted. I wanted her.


When I think about her now all I feel is this incredible hate. Somewhere mixed into it, I know that a part of me still cares and loves her, even if I can't face her anymore. 

Our last argument has placed me where I am today. Where I told her that if a day came where she could face me and talk about it all; that a part of me would always be there to listen. That a part of me would consider trying anew. And her words, telling me to just stay out her life forever. Her words, I found out later, were just out of anger. Regardless of why she said it, it has been more than a year, and I refuse to intervene in any way. We are, just two strangers, who may happen to pass each other on the street these days. She does not exist.


Our demise was, in part, our personalities. And although we wanted the same things eventually, we wanted them at different times. My jealousy was too much, as I compared her to every other girl that hurt me. For she shared and had, similar issues as the rest. Even accidentally calling her by an ex's name once, because of something she did, that reminded me so much of the past. And my past took its toll on her.


It has been this, and only this, which over the last year or more, has kept me from actually accepting someone else. I compare. I search. For someone that I will have that same connection. Where our personal lives can personally align. Where, we accept one another for what and who we are, and were.

People think I'm cold. I'm stubborn. That I have no emotion what so ever. That's because I am, who I once was. It is often easier to create barriers to keep people out and keep control, instead of letting them in, and losing control.


I have a confession.

I must confess that I'm really not that person.

I must confess that the words I spoke that day, for me, still hold true.

I must confess that my life has been on a similar track as before, but have learned to mask it better.

I must confess that I miss her.


I must confess that it's time to finally let go of what was and start again.

He's Just Not That Into You, Needy Girls, and Sex

Disclaimer: Due to a lot of activity today, this is going to be a very long post. It's a three part posting on: He's Just Not That Into You; Needy Girls and the ever interesting topic, Sex.

He's Just Not That Into You

There is, this book, by a guy named Greg, called He's Just Not That Into You. Where, Greg, seems to make life miserable for all single men out there. Mentioned to me by a friend who was questioning whether a guy was into her or not, Greg's book suddenly made all my advice - a man - null and void. His argument: That if a guy is into you, he will ask you out. 


FALSE.

While a guy MAY ask you out if he's into you, ladies, don't bank on it. The guy may show signs of interest, but not all men are forward enough to take that first step. It's a two-way street in the in the world of THE ASK, that initial indication that one wants to ask someone out.

I'd like to think that we're not stuck in times where women expect men to ask them out. Ladies, if you like a guy and think that he likes you, take the risk. He may just be one of the shy ones. Or at least - unlike what said friend did - give him a sign that you're interested. No, you will not come off as being too eager. Guys, just like girls, want to know that their instinct is correct.

And if you think for one second that we like THE CHASE, get real. If you want to be chased, go find some young guy in a bar that you can string along. We might like a little resistance along the way, but we still want to know where we stand, and that our efforts are worth it. 


So ladies, unless you want to end up that crazy cat lady down the road, get over whatever inhibitions you have and take the lead. At least, meet us half-way.


I will give you some credit, though. As a guy, if a girl is too interested, too up front or too blunt, we may see it as an easy lay. Not going to lie, we've all been there and thought about it.


So a tip: Don't put out. If a guy is really into you, he won't mind waiting. And, it will show him that you're worth it.

NEEDY GIRLS
This easily moves us into needy girls. Another friend is so hung up about getting married, that when she meets a guy, she wants to spend every waking moment with him. In fact, I had a conversation with her about it tonight.

She's been seeing this guy for a month. He has a career which he's working at full-time, he's also in school to move this career forward, and he's in the process of buying a house. She's so hung up on the fact that she only gets to see him once a week, that if soon, he can't commit to three days a week, she might call it off.


Granted, time in starting a relationship is needed, but not all up front. I've been guilty in the too needy area for far too long, and that has caused many failed relationships. Up until about a year or two ago, I was just like her. Now, I take it one day at a time and place no pressure on the situation.


Being with someone doesn't mean spending every waking moment with them. A phone call, a text here and there, those are ways to show interest. It shows that the guy is at least trying. And in return, if you give him just enough space, the time together will increase. And the time that you get to spend together will be worth it even more.


You have to be your own person first and foremost. You have to learn to be a part of ones life first, before being a part of their whole life.


Pushing and pressuring won't get you anywhere. It will make him feel inadequate and will make him run. And unless you want to keep having the same argument over and over again, just back off a bit.


One person will always be busier than the other. Everyone has their own life to lead until their paths converge into one. So learn to compromise. Support him in what he's doing and he will support you in your endeavours too. Rush it, and risk failure. The best things happen over time.


So if you're needy, that's fine. But hide it. Play it off. And yes, you will suffer a little bit. It will drive you nuts. But you'll benefit from it in the end. At least consider why he's so busy. As men get older, those at least who want to settle down at some point, aren't doing these things just to make you want them more, or to drive you insane. We're doing them because we want to have certain things in place for the future; and to have someone there to share it with us.


I don't want to sound archaic, that the man must provide for his significant other. But at the end of the day if things don't work out, no one - man or woman - wants to look back and be left with nothing.


The only place for needy girls, in my opinion, is with an old rich man who has the time to cater to your every whim.


SEX
Catering to your every whim may also mean sex. Men like sex as much as anyone else. Most of us would have it every day if we could, but let's face it, how important is it? 

Same friend as mentioned above basis everything on sex. The skill of the guy in bed isn't what she's concerned about - although I'm sure it's a bonus; it's how often he's willing to do the deed. Her view of sex is the same view many others I've come across. The more he wants to do it, the more wanted she feels. And when it's lacking, she considers whether they're right for one another.


Consider this: You meet someone and fall for them. Things progress and you have met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Your home life is great, your sex life; even better. But one day, something happens. An accident. And your partner is no longer able to perform. What do you do? Do you go and get your needs met somewhere else after committing to spending the rest of your life with this person, or do you spend the rest of your life in a relationship without sex?

If you have to think hard about this one, then you're probably not in it for love. 

Sex, while an important part of any relationship, should carry no bearing on commitment and being faithful. You're with someone for a reason, and that reason shouldn't be what they do, or how often they do it in the bedroom.

That feeling of being wanted may bring itself out in heats of passion. But it's often found in the simplest forms; the things that the other person does every day, that shows you they want you.


I've been guilty of that as well in the past. And it took a long time to get over the fact that sex doesn't equal a desire to be with someone. 

When I was with one of my ex's, my way of showing that I cared for her each day was by doing the simple things. Before I left in the morning, I would make her breakfast and have it ready for her when she was ready to wake up. I would go out of my way to make sure that she was never want for anything. I'd plan date nights just for her and I, where we would sit on the couch and watch movies all night, cuddled up with popcorn. It was time spent together. It's doing little things for the other person that no matter what happens down the road, those things would always be one way to show them that you still wanted and cared for them.

So put those urges aside from time to time and just cherish the moments that you have. Base it on how much pleasure you get out of being with the person, and you'll find that those moments may not last forever.

Dreams of the Past

Dreams. We all have them. Most of which we never remember. And then there are those times, when we're in that dream state where we know we're dreaming.

Ah, lucid dreaming. I can run faster, be stronger and I can fly. I can dodge bullets and pull some crazy Matrix shit. But then there are those dreams where, even though you know you're dreaming, you can't change a thing. And even though you know you can wake yourself up at any moment, you don't. You want and hope that it will play out differently this time around.



It has been these dreams over the last few weeks that made me realize it's time to change; at least partially change my ways.

These dreams are riddled with ex's and times that have already happened. Break-up moments where I try to say and do something different, but the outcome is the same. Moments where, things never actually happened as I dream, but I assumed happened. Even in sleep, I'm a glutton for punishment.



They started innocently enough. I was cleaning out my closet a few weeks back and came across photos of an ex from a few years ago. Looking at her, I still had that churning in my stomach. You know the one. Nervous. Anxious. You want to run and avoid, but can't. 

She was, well, great. As great as an anorexic/bulimic recovering addict could be. The things I never knew until after I fell in love with her. The kind of things that I would run from, at first sight should I ever encounter it again. 



Unfortunately, I never did. Run, that is. Because others were the same.

I still wonder what she's doing these days. I never kept in touch, even years after it was over and we were still close enough to be around one another. Even after the feelings of heartache subsided. 



I don't stay friends with ex's. They're ex's for a reason. 

But that one photo led to a dream. And the next night, another. Not about her, but about the next one. And a few nights after that, a different ex. Closer and closer, and closer to the last.

It has been almost a month now and I still get the odd dream. I still wake up thinking it's real. It feels real. I sometimes wish it was real, because I would do things differently with some.

These dreams did do something, though. They made me realize that I needed to take a break from dating. And I did. 

After all, I did hit a black hole in the dating world in this city. It was the day that I went out on a date with a girl and through conversation, realized I had been out on dates with her friend a few months back. 

Not a single date in the last 30 days, but now it's slowly time to start changing that. These dreams made me put my life into perspective and possibly, do something this rigid Scorpio wouldn't normally do. 

Take a chance.

I know what I want. Now the journey begins to meet someone who wants the same thing.

Obligatory Introductory Post

This wouldn't be the first blog. There have, of course, been others. All with varying lifespans. Some survived for a few weeks, while others lived to a ripe old age, storing years of information. All those blogs are dead now.

How long will this blog survive? It will live as long as I am single. To chronicle the good, the bad, the ugly; and to highlight the adventures, and let's not forget the misadventures, of a single man. 

I figure that, if I can't commit to someone, yet, at least I can commit to one post a week.

Has it been done before? Of course it has. 

Has it been done quite like this? That's up for you to decide.