Dreams of the Past

Dreams. We all have them. Most of which we never remember. And then there are those times, when we're in that dream state where we know we're dreaming.

Ah, lucid dreaming. I can run faster, be stronger and I can fly. I can dodge bullets and pull some crazy Matrix shit. But then there are those dreams where, even though you know you're dreaming, you can't change a thing. And even though you know you can wake yourself up at any moment, you don't. You want and hope that it will play out differently this time around.



It has been these dreams over the last few weeks that made me realize it's time to change; at least partially change my ways.

These dreams are riddled with ex's and times that have already happened. Break-up moments where I try to say and do something different, but the outcome is the same. Moments where, things never actually happened as I dream, but I assumed happened. Even in sleep, I'm a glutton for punishment.



They started innocently enough. I was cleaning out my closet a few weeks back and came across photos of an ex from a few years ago. Looking at her, I still had that churning in my stomach. You know the one. Nervous. Anxious. You want to run and avoid, but can't. 

She was, well, great. As great as an anorexic/bulimic recovering addict could be. The things I never knew until after I fell in love with her. The kind of things that I would run from, at first sight should I ever encounter it again. 



Unfortunately, I never did. Run, that is. Because others were the same.

I still wonder what she's doing these days. I never kept in touch, even years after it was over and we were still close enough to be around one another. Even after the feelings of heartache subsided. 



I don't stay friends with ex's. They're ex's for a reason. 

But that one photo led to a dream. And the next night, another. Not about her, but about the next one. And a few nights after that, a different ex. Closer and closer, and closer to the last.

It has been almost a month now and I still get the odd dream. I still wake up thinking it's real. It feels real. I sometimes wish it was real, because I would do things differently with some.

These dreams did do something, though. They made me realize that I needed to take a break from dating. And I did. 

After all, I did hit a black hole in the dating world in this city. It was the day that I went out on a date with a girl and through conversation, realized I had been out on dates with her friend a few months back. 

Not a single date in the last 30 days, but now it's slowly time to start changing that. These dreams made me put my life into perspective and possibly, do something this rigid Scorpio wouldn't normally do. 

Take a chance.

I know what I want. Now the journey begins to meet someone who wants the same thing.