Despite what the image tells you, it's really not that complicated. In fact, an open relationship is easy once you know the rules, the players, a few basic concepts, and of course, you're able to communicate honestly and openly.
I've had many discussions with people on both sides of the issue, and while they often disagree on principle, they are more alike than they realize. And I don't mean on the fact that they will likely both disagree with my next comment.
In all of my open-relationships over the years I've learned that a "true" open-relationship is based in monogamy. And what I've also learned is that monogamists have a harder time grasping the concept of monogamy than the polyamorists. It seems that more and more people these days are exploring with the idea of an open-relationship. Many though, do it for the wrong reasons, and the wrong way. If you want to explore, here are 5 things to keep in mind:
1) Talk, Talk, and Talk Some More: If you're going to pursue an open-relationship you need to talk, and to talk openly. In order to avoid jealousy or resentment, one partner can't hold back desires or wants when an open-relationship is on the table. You may each not get everything you want, but you have to communicate what type of open-relationship you each want and what your boundaries are.
Boundaries and limits will take on different forms depending on the couple, but things that should be discussed are:
- Who, or what kind of people can join
- What kind of open-relationship do you both want
- What is appropriate contact with the same/opposite sex
It may seem like over-kill to get into the smallest of details, but is exploration worth possibly destroying a relationship you've spent months or years building? Remember, you have a primary partner that you come home to every day. They are your first priority.
2) Don't Do It Just Because: I've heard every bullshit excuse in the book when it comes to couples wanting to try an open-relationship. Hell, I've spouted out some of my own. The two most common are:
- We want to spice up our sex life. No you don't. One of you wants to try something...more like someone...fresh, and you're willing to let your significant other fuck someone so you can.
- It will make the guy/girl I'm with happy. Yeah, I'm sure it will, but will it make you happy? If you do it once, for that reason, then expect it to come up again.
The only reason a couple should explore opening their relationship is when they are doing it for themselves as a couple. It's a "we" thing, not a "me" thing. If you're in it together and tuned into the needs, wants and concerns of one another, you'll have fewer issues transitioning.
3) It's Not An Excuse To Cheat: In a monogamous relationship we trust that our partners will be faithful. In an open-relationship we allow our partners certain agreed upon freedoms that we trust they won't overstep.
There are many -- mostly those new to the lifestyle -- who think that an open-relationship means a free-for-all. Where, slipping up is not cheating. In arrangement where things such as playing together is a rule, an innocent kiss away from your partner IS considered cheating.
Last summer I started dating this girl for a few short months, who raised with me the idea of an open-relationship. Her offer: She only wanted to play as a couple and only have women join us. While she had friends that were open to joining us then and there, we decided that first, we had to establish a solid relationship. When we went downtown, she would enjoy it when I was dancing with, or all over some other girl for her to watch. While I was okay with that, it was only when we were together. Despite her assurance that I could go have "innocent" fun, as long as she could hear about it, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Anything solo, to me, is cheating.
4) Pick Your Partner(s) Carefully: Whether you're inviting one person to join, doing a full-swap, or any other combination, you should pick your partners very carefully. A few selection tips include:
- Stay away from friends. The only time a friend should be invited is when they can be trusted not to interfere after the fun has been had. A friend may seem like the best choice because of the comfort level, but can you look at one another the same moving forward?
- What's your name again? Don't pick just any random person(s), of course you should screen them first, but someone(s) you don't know are the best first option. Having a person or persons who are there for one thing, and one thing only, will alleviate any tension or pressure after the fact. This is a person you don't have to see again if you don't want to, or who you can call when you both feel like.
- Slow and Steady: Whomever you select, make sure they fully understand your limits and boundaries before proceeding. They should be comfortable taking time before things happen - if they do - and that they are fully aware anyone can pull out at any time. A back-out clause is a beautiful thing, especially if it's your first time. The ability to tell someone this has to stop, even after things have begun, should be agreed upon first.
5) Don't Neglect Your Partner: Unless you both swing both ways, one partner will be at a greater advantage than the other, sexually. And opening your relationship should never be more about one partner than the other. After all, you're doing this for both of you, and you should be paying equal attention to your partner as you are to the person who is joining you.
There is so much more I would have liked to touch upon, but the issue of an open-relationship is broad and often difficult to capture in one post. It truly is something that has to be explored verbally between two people. It's something that, while I've done in the past and continue to ponder to this day... would I ever do it again? Who knows? I certainly wouldn't tell anyone on here.
The first date, for some, is always a nerve-wracking experience. What do you wear? Where do you go? What will you talk about?
How about this? The first date isn't actually a date. What a concept!
Think of it more as a meeting to see if you actually enjoy each others company enough to have it lead to an actual date.
I never consider the first date, a date. I don't get nervous and why? Because I don't care. I don't care what the other person will think of me for being me. I don't care if the other person doesn't want to see me again because I don't consider myself actually being on a date. I don't sit and fret over what we will do, or where we will go, or what I'll wear.
In my opinion, there are a few first date rules that everyone should follow:
Rule 1: Location, location, location...means nothing - It shouldn't be about what you're doing, but rather that you're doing something together. A first date is an opportunity to talk and get to know one another to see if you want to meet again. If she's more hung up on what you two are going to do, or where you're going to take her, I suggest you take her nowhere. For the money you may spend, you could be out with guys finding a "date" for free.
Rule 2: Dark rooms aren't cool - A movie is always a bad choice. The only time you should take your date to a movie is if you both have an interest in a subject area. Maybe you both like foreign films, great, go. But have plans afterward so you can at least talk. If you're taking her to the latest Will Farrell movie as a conversation starter for later, you probably shouldn't be meeting one another in the first place.
Rule 3: Skip the razzle dazzle - Guys, don't try to dazzle her by planning something extravagant. Don't even go out of your way. A first date should have a time limit, no more than hour just in case things aren't going as planned. Keep it simple. A cup of coffee and a walk is always a great first date. It relieves any pressure from having to entertain each other, but you're not stuck staring face-to-face the entire time. Creativity may go a long way, but keep creativity to a minimum. A walk through a bookstore together will inspire hours of conversation and give you a glimpse into a person by what they pick up.
Rule 4: Don't break the bank - If your simple first date is running up your bill, then you've just been had. Look, a first date is like an investment. You wouldn't gamble on the stock market by investing everything you have before doing your research, would you? No. Then why shell out big bucks on someone you may never see again. Keeping it simple means keeping it cheap. Oh, and by the way, guys, you should be paying for the first date.
Rule 5: Beat her to the callback - So you go out, have a great time and then what. You want to see her again, but you're not sure if she wants to see you. Beat her to the punch and tell her you had a great time. Tell her you'd like to do this again some time and if she is interested, to stay in touch. You've clearly laid out your intent and then, you can stop worrying about whether she wants to or not.
Read the female reply by What She Said
I keep getting asked, by people, "why won't he date me?" It may be that he's just not ready; possibly that he's too shy to make that step; or maybe he just wants one thing.
The question that should be asked is, am I dateable or just fuckable?
When a guy looks at a girl, the first impression is purely physical. It's from that initial look that a girl falls into one of two categories:
1) Dateable; the kind of girl you want to get to know and possibly date.
2) Fuckable; the kind of girl you want to get to know and get into bed quickly.
Do you disagree? Well, it's true.
How many times have you heard a guy say that she's "hot" or that he "wants" her. Gawking at the girl every chance he gets? And then, on the other hand, how many times have you heard a guy say, she's "nice", "cute" and other endearing words?
Riding the bus home yesterday, there were three girls in my line of sight. One, instantly, to me, was fuckable. The other two, dateable. So what's the difference?
The deciding factor is often image.
Every guy may look at the model-like girl, but no guy really wants to date her, because every other guy wants her too. Instead, guys want an attractive girl; one which everyone knows is attractive, but everyone isn't drooling behind her like a lost puppy.
The first girl on the bus was fuckable. She left nothing to the imagination, with half her body hanging out it was a little hard to look forward without staring. You could catch the gaze of every guy on that bus trying to catch a look, without her noticing. Women will argue, so what? She wants guys to look; maybe she's comfortable enough with her body to show it off. I don't disagree, but at 3pm on a Wednesday afternoon, on the bus, isn't the time and place.
The other two girls, one behind her and another in front of her were dateable. They were well dressed and they knew they looked good, but didn't have to flaunt it to a bus load of strangers.
Most guys want a natural girl. Sure, we love it when the person we're with can clean up nicely; when she can be that girl with little left to the imagination, but we don't want her all the time. Save it for that night out with us, or in the bedroom.
We're looking for that dateable girl. The one who can toss on a pair of sweats and run to the store to grab a carton of milk, and not care what she looks like. Yes, we can pick out the fuckable ones in the grocery store, even. You can tell that they spent an hour getting ready just to pick up a loaf of bread.
So keep it in mind next time a guy just walks up to you and talks to you. Is it because you're giving him that fuckable impression, or are you dateable?
