No Bun Boys: How Do You Want To Be Shut Down?

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Relationship Deal Breakers: Reasons Why Your Ass Might Get Dumped

 

Deal breakers, we all have them. Anyone who says differently is a liar. What most of us fail to do is mention to our prospective partners what these deal breakers are. Instead, we truck along until the person we're with becomes unbearable. If more of us just opened our mouths from the get-go, we wouldn't drive ourselves crazy getting out when we're too far in.

Sure, there are things that we can overlook, ignore and tolerate. Deal breakers should never be based on "wants", but instead on "needs". They are things that we need from another to want to be with them. 

Over the years, over the countless dates, and the women in my life, if there is one thing I've learned it's to never compromise what my deal breakers are.

@whatshesaidgoes has outlined a number of major deal breakers for herself and many of these hold true for guys as well. Let's keep in mind that these aren't overarching rules and some people, for example, enjoy being smothered. But nonetheless, here goes...

1) Smothering

A lot of the women I've met are looking for one of two things. They want babies and they want them now, or they aren't sure exactly what they want. The ones looking for that guy to one day complete the family photo are often pushing too hard. At first, they seem innocent enough - out going, talkative and have their priorities straight. And while we show them the attention they deserve, they see husband material written all over us.

These are the girls who are always calling. They want to know when you're free and if you're not, why you can't be free. They want to spend more time with you than you're willing to give up for now.

Don't get me wrong. I have no issue when I'm with a girl who wants to see me as much as possible. And when we're out in public or behind closed doors, it doesn't bother me if she is glued to my hip. I just don't want it right away. That's something that comes with time.

It's not that a guy doesn't want to spend the time getting to know you. It's when he feels forced into doing, it becomes a chore. If you can give him the space he needs, he will spend more time with you.

As I told one girl: I have my life and you have yours. As we move forward together they will blend. If you force it, I'll be taking the first detour out. 

2) Jealousy/Possessiveness 

Ah, here's something that men are accused of more than women. In fact, not enough women show their jealousy. And do you know what, they should. If you're jealous, tell the guy you're with. Hiding it will only make things worse when you blow up at him. Believe it or not, unlike women, we do find it slightly flattering.

With that said, there is a difference between jealousy and concern. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know what your significant other is doing, or where they are going. All normal and natural questions. There is also nothing wrong with asking someone to give you a call or send a message when they are out late, so you know they are home safe and sound.

The line gets crossed when the person you're with is texting you every 15 minutes, trying to have a conversation with you, or wanting to know where you are now. Or when they show up where you are, to see what you're up to.

@whatshesaidgoes raised two points in this section. 1) That it's not okay for a guy to take his own initiative to defend the girl he is with unless she asks for it, and 2) If she has a male friend, don't make her choose.

I'm not going to get into either issue here in this post, those are both upcoming posts. What I will say is that she doesn't understand men well enough to know why we feel that way, and the reasons we do what we do.

3) Bad Sex

This isn't as an important concern for me, as it seems to be for @whatshesaidgoes. I've had tons of horrible sex over the years, but that's because most women aren't as sexually open and adventurous as I am. But, I never based my relationships on sex. A person can learn what you like, but they can't learn to be how you would like them.

4) Distance

One second you're too smothering, the next you're not smothering enough. If you're wondering why a guy hasn't called you back, it's because you haven't made an effort to get in touch with him.

We'll only chase you for so long. If you can't ask us out, at least once we ask and go out with you, you can take the initiative to ask us out the second time.

This is where my rules of 3 comes into play. I will ask a girl out once, twice, three times and then, it's up to her. It doesn't matter if the date gets canceled for some reason, or we're both busy when I suggest something. I'll make three attempts to see you and then if you want to see me again, you can ask. I'm not going to be the one asking so we can see one another. 

5) The Job Factor

It may seem shallow, but unless you have a job I'm not going to date you. That's one reason why I don't date students. The only exception is, if you're pursuing higher education like your Masters or PHD, those obviously take a while. It's not that you're not making money, but I'm looking for someone who is in a similar position as I am.

Your job doesn't have to be anything glamorous either. It just has to be something that you enjoy and is career worthy. By that I mean, something that you intend on doing forever and for me, flipping burgers is not a forever kind of thing. 

6) The Vices 

One thing that @whatshesaidgoes didn't mention are the vices. There are many people out there who won't date a smoker. In the same vein, when I tell a girl that I'm not interested in someone because they do drugs, or drink too much, they seem to get upset. I'm all for partying, but if you're out on the town three or four nights a week, that's a little too much. Same goes for drugs. I have an anti-drug policy in my relationships. That includes all drugs, even pot. I know many people don't consider it a drug, but it's something due to past experiences, I don't need in my relationship. It's plain and simple, if you do it, even once, I will dump you. It's not like I didn't make it clear from the start.

7) The Inclusion Factor 

 In any relationship, over time, you become a part of each others lives. That means meeting friends, spending time together in groups and have generally being a part of each others lives. If I'm seeing someone that I want to be with, I will bring them around my friends. And to a degree I expect the same thing. While we all need and want time alone with our friends, having a secret group of people one never meets but always hears about can be a deal breaker. A lack of inclusion, over time, can lead to jealousy and not the good kind. I'm not going to hide the person I'm with away, so don't keep us in the closet either.

http://whatshesaidgoes.blogspot.com/2011/01/do-this-and-buh-bye-7-dealbreakers.html

He's Just Not That Into You, Needy Girls, and Sex

Disclaimer: Due to a lot of activity today, this is going to be a very long post. It's a three part posting on: He's Just Not That Into You; Needy Girls and the ever interesting topic, Sex.

He's Just Not That Into You

There is, this book, by a guy named Greg, called He's Just Not That Into You. Where, Greg, seems to make life miserable for all single men out there. Mentioned to me by a friend who was questioning whether a guy was into her or not, Greg's book suddenly made all my advice - a man - null and void. His argument: That if a guy is into you, he will ask you out. 


FALSE.

While a guy MAY ask you out if he's into you, ladies, don't bank on it. The guy may show signs of interest, but not all men are forward enough to take that first step. It's a two-way street in the in the world of THE ASK, that initial indication that one wants to ask someone out.

I'd like to think that we're not stuck in times where women expect men to ask them out. Ladies, if you like a guy and think that he likes you, take the risk. He may just be one of the shy ones. Or at least - unlike what said friend did - give him a sign that you're interested. No, you will not come off as being too eager. Guys, just like girls, want to know that their instinct is correct.

And if you think for one second that we like THE CHASE, get real. If you want to be chased, go find some young guy in a bar that you can string along. We might like a little resistance along the way, but we still want to know where we stand, and that our efforts are worth it. 


So ladies, unless you want to end up that crazy cat lady down the road, get over whatever inhibitions you have and take the lead. At least, meet us half-way.


I will give you some credit, though. As a guy, if a girl is too interested, too up front or too blunt, we may see it as an easy lay. Not going to lie, we've all been there and thought about it.


So a tip: Don't put out. If a guy is really into you, he won't mind waiting. And, it will show him that you're worth it.

NEEDY GIRLS
This easily moves us into needy girls. Another friend is so hung up about getting married, that when she meets a guy, she wants to spend every waking moment with him. In fact, I had a conversation with her about it tonight.

She's been seeing this guy for a month. He has a career which he's working at full-time, he's also in school to move this career forward, and he's in the process of buying a house. She's so hung up on the fact that she only gets to see him once a week, that if soon, he can't commit to three days a week, she might call it off.


Granted, time in starting a relationship is needed, but not all up front. I've been guilty in the too needy area for far too long, and that has caused many failed relationships. Up until about a year or two ago, I was just like her. Now, I take it one day at a time and place no pressure on the situation.


Being with someone doesn't mean spending every waking moment with them. A phone call, a text here and there, those are ways to show interest. It shows that the guy is at least trying. And in return, if you give him just enough space, the time together will increase. And the time that you get to spend together will be worth it even more.


You have to be your own person first and foremost. You have to learn to be a part of ones life first, before being a part of their whole life.


Pushing and pressuring won't get you anywhere. It will make him feel inadequate and will make him run. And unless you want to keep having the same argument over and over again, just back off a bit.


One person will always be busier than the other. Everyone has their own life to lead until their paths converge into one. So learn to compromise. Support him in what he's doing and he will support you in your endeavours too. Rush it, and risk failure. The best things happen over time.


So if you're needy, that's fine. But hide it. Play it off. And yes, you will suffer a little bit. It will drive you nuts. But you'll benefit from it in the end. At least consider why he's so busy. As men get older, those at least who want to settle down at some point, aren't doing these things just to make you want them more, or to drive you insane. We're doing them because we want to have certain things in place for the future; and to have someone there to share it with us.


I don't want to sound archaic, that the man must provide for his significant other. But at the end of the day if things don't work out, no one - man or woman - wants to look back and be left with nothing.


The only place for needy girls, in my opinion, is with an old rich man who has the time to cater to your every whim.


SEX
Catering to your every whim may also mean sex. Men like sex as much as anyone else. Most of us would have it every day if we could, but let's face it, how important is it? 

Same friend as mentioned above basis everything on sex. The skill of the guy in bed isn't what she's concerned about - although I'm sure it's a bonus; it's how often he's willing to do the deed. Her view of sex is the same view many others I've come across. The more he wants to do it, the more wanted she feels. And when it's lacking, she considers whether they're right for one another.


Consider this: You meet someone and fall for them. Things progress and you have met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Your home life is great, your sex life; even better. But one day, something happens. An accident. And your partner is no longer able to perform. What do you do? Do you go and get your needs met somewhere else after committing to spending the rest of your life with this person, or do you spend the rest of your life in a relationship without sex?

If you have to think hard about this one, then you're probably not in it for love. 

Sex, while an important part of any relationship, should carry no bearing on commitment and being faithful. You're with someone for a reason, and that reason shouldn't be what they do, or how often they do it in the bedroom.

That feeling of being wanted may bring itself out in heats of passion. But it's often found in the simplest forms; the things that the other person does every day, that shows you they want you.


I've been guilty of that as well in the past. And it took a long time to get over the fact that sex doesn't equal a desire to be with someone. 

When I was with one of my ex's, my way of showing that I cared for her each day was by doing the simple things. Before I left in the morning, I would make her breakfast and have it ready for her when she was ready to wake up. I would go out of my way to make sure that she was never want for anything. I'd plan date nights just for her and I, where we would sit on the couch and watch movies all night, cuddled up with popcorn. It was time spent together. It's doing little things for the other person that no matter what happens down the road, those things would always be one way to show them that you still wanted and cared for them.

So put those urges aside from time to time and just cherish the moments that you have. Base it on how much pleasure you get out of being with the person, and you'll find that those moments may not last forever.