Despite what the image tells you, it's really not that complicated. In fact, an open relationship is easy once you know the rules, the players, a few basic concepts, and of course, you're able to communicate honestly and openly.
I've had many discussions with people on both sides of the issue, and while they often disagree on principle, they are more alike than they realize. And I don't mean on the fact that they will likely both disagree with my next comment.
In all of my open-relationships over the years I've learned that a "true" open-relationship is based in monogamy. And what I've also learned is that monogamists have a harder time grasping the concept of monogamy than the polyamorists. It seems that more and more people these days are exploring with the idea of an open-relationship. Many though, do it for the wrong reasons, and the wrong way. If you want to explore, here are 5 things to keep in mind:
1) Talk, Talk, and Talk Some More: If you're going to pursue an open-relationship you need to talk, and to talk openly. In order to avoid jealousy or resentment, one partner can't hold back desires or wants when an open-relationship is on the table. You may each not get everything you want, but you have to communicate what type of open-relationship you each want and what your boundaries are.
Boundaries and limits will take on different forms depending on the couple, but things that should be discussed are:
- Who, or what kind of people can join
- What kind of open-relationship do you both want
- What is appropriate contact with the same/opposite sex
It may seem like over-kill to get into the smallest of details, but is exploration worth possibly destroying a relationship you've spent months or years building? Remember, you have a primary partner that you come home to every day. They are your first priority.
2) Don't Do It Just Because: I've heard every bullshit excuse in the book when it comes to couples wanting to try an open-relationship. Hell, I've spouted out some of my own. The two most common are:
- We want to spice up our sex life. No you don't. One of you wants to try something...more like someone...fresh, and you're willing to let your significant other fuck someone so you can.
- It will make the guy/girl I'm with happy. Yeah, I'm sure it will, but will it make you happy? If you do it once, for that reason, then expect it to come up again.
The only reason a couple should explore opening their relationship is when they are doing it for themselves as a couple. It's a "we" thing, not a "me" thing. If you're in it together and tuned into the needs, wants and concerns of one another, you'll have fewer issues transitioning.
3) It's Not An Excuse To Cheat: In a monogamous relationship we trust that our partners will be faithful. In an open-relationship we allow our partners certain agreed upon freedoms that we trust they won't overstep.
There are many -- mostly those new to the lifestyle -- who think that an open-relationship means a free-for-all. Where, slipping up is not cheating. In arrangement where things such as playing together is a rule, an innocent kiss away from your partner IS considered cheating.
Last summer I started dating this girl for a few short months, who raised with me the idea of an open-relationship. Her offer: She only wanted to play as a couple and only have women join us. While she had friends that were open to joining us then and there, we decided that first, we had to establish a solid relationship. When we went downtown, she would enjoy it when I was dancing with, or all over some other girl for her to watch. While I was okay with that, it was only when we were together. Despite her assurance that I could go have "innocent" fun, as long as she could hear about it, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Anything solo, to me, is cheating.
4) Pick Your Partner(s) Carefully: Whether you're inviting one person to join, doing a full-swap, or any other combination, you should pick your partners very carefully. A few selection tips include:
- Stay away from friends. The only time a friend should be invited is when they can be trusted not to interfere after the fun has been had. A friend may seem like the best choice because of the comfort level, but can you look at one another the same moving forward?
- What's your name again? Don't pick just any random person(s), of course you should screen them first, but someone(s) you don't know are the best first option. Having a person or persons who are there for one thing, and one thing only, will alleviate any tension or pressure after the fact. This is a person you don't have to see again if you don't want to, or who you can call when you both feel like.
- Slow and Steady: Whomever you select, make sure they fully understand your limits and boundaries before proceeding. They should be comfortable taking time before things happen - if they do - and that they are fully aware anyone can pull out at any time. A back-out clause is a beautiful thing, especially if it's your first time. The ability to tell someone this has to stop, even after things have begun, should be agreed upon first.
5) Don't Neglect Your Partner: Unless you both swing both ways, one partner will be at a greater advantage than the other, sexually. And opening your relationship should never be more about one partner than the other. After all, you're doing this for both of you, and you should be paying equal attention to your partner as you are to the person who is joining you.
There is so much more I would have liked to touch upon, but the issue of an open-relationship is broad and often difficult to capture in one post. It truly is something that has to be explored verbally between two people. It's something that, while I've done in the past and continue to ponder to this day... would I ever do it again? Who knows? I certainly wouldn't tell anyone on here.
I have a confession.
I'm not over my ex.
And it has been more than a year since we split.
Why am I writing about this? I don't even know. Maybe it's just time to put it out there. Maybe this is that cathartic moment I need.
She and I were like, fire and ice; hot and cold. When it was good, it was perfect. When it was bad, all hell broke loose.
What I do know is that she is the only memorable person that I have yet to meet. She was the only reason that I changed my ways; pulling me out of a three year slump when my life was literally spinning out of control. When the partying, the drinking, the lack of faith, desire to accomplish, and the people; the many people and reckless situations I put myself in, was pushing me over the edge.
Like so many other people these days, we had met online. I was still in that party phase, where every girl I met was just another good time. The phase, that I seem to have fallen back into over the last year.
Through our few exchanges of e-mails, I was surprised at how open she was. And I, in cold and reckless way, decided that she would just be another notch on my belt. Neither of us wanted anything, after all she was leaving this city a few short weeks later for home. So when I propsed the idea of a fling, she didn't object.
Our first "date" if you want to call it that, meant I had to pick her up. I got lost trying to find her and that broke the ice. We still laughed at it years later. That one hour coffee at 9am; just to meet and see if we wanted to jump in the sack the next time around, lasted until four in the afternoon. We walked the city. Talked about everything. And a connection was formed.
When I asked to see her again the following week, I told her that I was having second thoughts. I wanted to get to know her, instead of just sleeping with her. I was nervous. I was scared. I felt that instant connection.
She left for home and when I thought that was it, somehow, we both felt that we would see one another again. And we did, the following week. Weekends were spent traveling back and forth for almost a year.
I, a rigid Scorpio. She, a spontaneous Libra. We were either destined for greatness or like the story played out, disaster.
Her ambitions. Her outgoing personality. That's what drew me to her. My sensibility. My grounded sense of self and responsibility. That's what drew her to me. But, there was more to that. We were both damaged in so many ways. We shared a similar past. We were both, for a lack of a better word, twisted. We often hesitated to tell one another parts of our past for fear of rejection. But when it came out, we did our best to accept it, because we wanted one another. We had a facade on the outside. That perfect couple that was good in every way. On the inside, we shared a twisted sense of humor and alternative thoughts, feelings and desires. Where we could express and be ourselves, together.
We shared. Absolute comfort. In one another.
She was no princess. That I know. And I was no saint. More than once I thought about straying and the opportunities arose many times. I held fast to what I wanted. I wanted her.
When I think about her now all I feel is this incredible hate. Somewhere mixed into it, I know that a part of me still cares and loves her, even if I can't face her anymore.
Our last argument has placed me where I am today. Where I told her that if a day came where she could face me and talk about it all; that a part of me would always be there to listen. That a part of me would consider trying anew. And her words, telling me to just stay out her life forever. Her words, I found out later, were just out of anger. Regardless of why she said it, it has been more than a year, and I refuse to intervene in any way. We are, just two strangers, who may happen to pass each other on the street these days. She does not exist.
Our demise was, in part, our personalities. And although we wanted the same things eventually, we wanted them at different times. My jealousy was too much, as I compared her to every other girl that hurt me. For she shared and had, similar issues as the rest. Even accidentally calling her by an ex's name once, because of something she did, that reminded me so much of the past. And my past took its toll on her.
It has been this, and only this, which over the last year or more, has kept me from actually accepting someone else. I compare. I search. For someone that I will have that same connection. Where our personal lives can personally align. Where, we accept one another for what and who we are, and were.
People think I'm cold. I'm stubborn. That I have no emotion what so ever. That's because I am, who I once was. It is often easier to create barriers to keep people out and keep control, instead of letting them in, and losing control.
I have a confession.
I must confess that I'm really not that person.
I must confess that the words I spoke that day, for me, still hold true.
I must confess that my life has been on a similar track as before, but have learned to mask it better.
I must confess that I miss her.
I must confess that it's time to finally let go of what was and start again.
