5 Things You Need To Know About Having An Open Relationship

Despite what the image tells you, it's really not that complicated. In fact, an open relationship is easy once you know the rules, the players, a few basic concepts, and of course, you're able to communicate honestly and openly.

I've had many discussions with people on both sides of the issue, and while they often disagree on principle, they are more alike than they realize. And I don't mean on the fact that they will likely both disagree with my next comment.

In all of my open-relationships over the years I've learned that a "true" open-relationship is based in monogamy. And what I've also learned is that monogamists have a harder time grasping the concept of monogamy than the polyamorists. It seems that more and more people these days are exploring with the idea of an open-relationship. Many though, do it for the wrong reasons, and the wrong way. If you want to explore, here are 5 things to keep in mind:

1) Talk, Talk, and Talk Some More: If you're going to pursue an open-relationship you need to talk, and to talk openly. In order to avoid jealousy or resentment, one partner can't hold back desires or wants when an open-relationship is on the table. You may each not get everything you want, but you have to communicate what type of open-relationship you each want and what your boundaries are.

Boundaries and limits will take on different forms depending on the couple, but things that should be discussed are:

•  Who, or what kind of people can join
• What kind of open-relationship do you both want
• What is appropriate contact with the same/opposite sex

It may seem like over-kill to get into the smallest of details, but is exploration worth possibly destroying a relationship you've spent months or years building? Remember, you have a primary partner that you come home to every day. They are your first priority.

2) Don't Do It Just Because: I've heard every bullshit excuse in the book when it comes to couples wanting to try an open-relationship. Hell, I've spouted out some of my own. The two most common are:

• We want to spice up our sex life. No you don't. One of you wants to try something...more like someone...fresh, and you're willing to let your significant other fuck someone so you can.
• It will make the guy/girl I'm with happy. Yeah, I'm sure it will, but will it make you happy? If you do it once, for that reason, then expect it to come up again.

The only reason a couple should explore opening their relationship is when they are doing it for themselves as a couple. It's a "we" thing, not a "me" thing. If you're in it together and tuned into the needs, wants and concerns of one another, you'll have fewer issues transitioning.

3) It's Not An Excuse To Cheat: In a monogamous relationship we trust that our partners will be faithful. In an open-relationship we allow our partners certain agreed upon freedoms that we trust they won't overstep. 

There are many -- mostly those new to the lifestyle -- who think  that an open-relationship means a free-for-all. Where, slipping up is not cheating. In arrangement where things such as playing together is a rule, an innocent kiss away from your partner IS considered cheating.

Last summer I started dating this girl for a few short months, who raised with me the idea of an open-relationship. Her offer: She only wanted to play as a couple and only have women join us. While she had friends that were open to joining us then and there, we decided that first, we had to establish a solid relationship. When we went downtown, she would enjoy it when I was dancing with, or all over some other girl for her to watch. While I was okay with that, it was only when we were together. Despite her assurance that I could go have "innocent" fun, as long as she could hear about it, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Anything solo, to me, is cheating.


4) Pick Your Partner(s) Carefully: Whether you're inviting one person to join, doing a full-swap, or any other combination, you should pick your partners very carefully. A few selection tips include:

• Stay away from friends. The only time a friend should be invited is when they can be trusted not to interfere after the fun has been had. A friend may seem like the best choice because of the comfort level, but can you look at one another the same moving forward?
• What's your name again? Don't pick just any random person(s), of course you should screen them first, but someone(s) you don't know are the best first option. Having a person or persons who are there for one thing, and one thing only, will alleviate any tension or pressure after the fact. This is a person you don't have to see again if you don't want to, or who you can call when you both feel like.
• Slow and Steady: Whomever you select, make sure they fully understand your limits and boundaries before proceeding. They should be comfortable taking time before things happen - if they do - and that they are fully aware anyone can pull out at any time. A back-out clause is a beautiful thing, especially if it's your first time. The ability to tell someone this has to stop, even after things have begun, should be agreed upon first.

5) Don't Neglect Your Partner: Unless you both swing both ways, one partner will be at a greater advantage than the other, sexually. And opening your relationship should never be more about one partner than the other. After all, you're doing this for both of you, and you should be paying equal attention to your partner as you are to the person who is joining you.


There is so much more I would have liked to touch upon, but the issue of an open-relationship is broad and often difficult to capture in one post. It truly is something that has to be explored verbally between two people. It's something that, while I've done in the past and continue to ponder to this day... would I ever do it again? Who knows? I certainly wouldn't tell anyone on here.

The WRONG time to date

While having coffee with fetish girl today, she said something that seemed somewhat fitting with this post; that December 6 is that day that most people break up. There is no confirmed stat to support this, but a quick Google search shows that December is perhaps the month that most of them will happen in. 

Early December is the best time to end a relationship, if you must, with Christmas around the corner. If it doesn't happen by then, New Year's is upon us and then shortly after, Valentine's Day. If it doesn't happen early on, the right time to minimize the most emotional impact doesn't present itself until March.

This post isn't about when to break up with someone. It's about the WRONG time to date. These two things are connected. They fall within the same period.

First off, the best relationships just happen and they often do when you don't expect it. Although many of us want to find the "one" we often go into the dating world with a mission. When you go into it blind without looking for anything, that is when you're going to meet someone that you connect with.

If you're anything like me, you're the type of person who would rather see 10 people at once, narrowing it down to just one, instead of focusing all your energy on one person up front. It seems more guys than girls have the ability to do this, but that's a post for another time.

Despite your dating style, if you're one of those people who are "actively looking" for a relationship, or are just looking to casually date until you meet someone you want to focus on, there are two times throughout the year that you should watch who and when you date. 

The first is mid-November to mid-February. The holiday season seems to begin earlier and earlier every year. By mid-November stores are preparing for Christmas and the buzz is on. For men, this is the time of year that they want to be careful how involved they become with a girl that they have just met. While spending the holidays alone may suck for anyone, it always seems that women are more affected by being single this time of year. 


It's not difficult to find a single girl who wants a boyfriend for Christmas. The older they get, the more they want it. When friends and family are settled down, for the single lady (and man) Christmas can be one of the loneliest times.

Lumped in there is New Years and then Valentines Day. Once you're in, be prepared to be in for the long haul. Getting out won't be easy, unless it's just a seasonal fling. 

While you might be thinking: "Really? I could have told you that." There is another time of year that can be equally as entrapping.

Guys, you should also be careful of the months April, May and June. As the long dark days of winter begin to fade, the thoughts of summer fun slowly take shape. Although not as risky as the triple threat season, the summer months are filled with happy-go-lucky couples. For many, seeing couples hand in hand enjoying their summer fun is just as gag-me-with-a-spoon-tastic as watching couples over the holidays. 

So what's the point of this post? To tell you things that you may already know? No, not in the least. It's to tell you what many of us know but never take heed of, including this guy. 

I'm not saying don't date during this time, just date with a little bit of caution. A holiday romance or a spring fling is most often just that. When you're caught up in the moment - or when someone else is caught up in the moment - you might realize that the moment is all you two really have.

For @whatshesaidgoes' take on things, click here for her post.

REPLY: Math of the 20-something Single Guy

Great. Math. I'm not quite sure what math, especially that of the 20-something single guy, has to do with @whatshesaid's latest blog post. You can read it HERE because I know I am, for the first time, as I write this. All I know is that under our arrangement, I must respond to hers and she must respond to mine.

Oh, I know another thing, too. I know the only math that a 20-something single guy needs to know. Equation to follow...

FFN - BT + FD = PBCF :: In other words, Funds for the Night minus Bar Tab plus Free Drinks equals Post Bar Cash Flow. It basically determines whether one can get meat on a stick or pizza from some vendor, and whether one has to sleep outside, walk home or can afford a cab.

The post-bar cash flow equation is the most important and always calculated first. The answer is the basis and variable for any and all other equations. For example...

PBCF = PBF+ CH +/- (NFC) = NoD/HoD :: Post-Bar Cash Flow is equal to Post-Bar Food plus Cab Home plus or minus No Fat Chicks which is equal to the Number of Drinks divided into the Hours of Drinking. In other words, the amount of money left over will determined if you can eat and afford a cab home, with or without a girl that you picked up, preferably no fat chicks, which will be determined by how many drinks you have over the hours you're out. In laymans terms, with enough booze, the girls who don't look so good at 12 o'clock, look pretty good come the end of the night.

After closer inspection, though, I realize she isn't writing about anything of the sort.

In her post she says that the rule, rather than the exception is that guys who seem worth getting to know are always just visiting. Guess what, dear, so are many of the girls. It's not that they are just visiting, they're also taken. Trust me, guys go through the exact same thing.

Let me begin by answering her question, if there are any 20-something single guys in this city worth dating.

Answer: Yes.

Problem: Solved.

My good deed for the day: Check.

Secondly, let me point out that in her list of types of guys (go read it), she has put me at the top of her list: Good-looking + Great Job = Douchebag (Follow this link to see an earlier post in defense of douchebags) You shouldn't have. That's all that I have to say about that.

Thirdly, let me point out that she admits to saying that she doesn't want to settle down until she is 35. Before I go any further, there is nothing wrong with this, not just for her, but for anyone else out there - male or female - who has the same desire. What I will say is be careful.

While many of you may be in no rush, there are those out there who want something more. Knowing what you want is great, but letting someone else know that you have no intentions of really settling down for years to come...that, you may want to put out there.

Ladies, guys in their late-20s and early 30-s are most likely looking to settle down. If you have no desire to any time soon, speak up. It's only fair. There are those of us out there who want families, kids, the whole white picket fence. We don't want to invest time in someone who knows off the bat, that they don't want any of that until years and years down the road.

I also can't get behind her theory. I won't recite it, scroll up to the link and go read it for yourself. While it sounds great in theory...and may I add, she doesn't have any cool equations to back it up...she forgets to factor in an important detail: children.

I'm not going to get into it in this post. I have one coming all about it. I'll only say that the older we all get, children, or the desire to have increases exponentially, or decreases drastically. It might sound great that there will be a bunch of divorced people running around for us all, but it may not be as cut and dry for many of us who want or don't want kids after a certain age.

So where does this leave us? 

Like she says, could she pick one of those guys? Yes. Will she? No, because she has no intentions of settling down any time soon.

Ladies, where does this leave the rest of you? Sit around and wait and it may be too late. Act too soon and get hurt?

If you want to meet a guy who is a mixture of every type she described, which is what it seems most women want, look beyond where you're looking. I'm not going to do all the work for you, but here are three venues to check out.

1) The gym is a great place to meet people, but not your Good Life or Nubodys or other massive chain gym. Sign up to a community gym, or a campus gym if you can. At these gyms, 99 per cent of people - mostly guys - are there to just work out. They're not there to strut around in the latest gym wear, trying to lift their max weight for one rep to impress you. They'll spend more time between sets staring off into space than staring at you. They want to get in and get out. Most are also single. Who else works out at 7 or 8 pm?

2) Volunteering is another place. Although more women than men tend to volunteer, any guy coming through who is single obviously has time to kill. Just make sure he's volunteering by choice and it's not part of his community service.

3) And finally, a book club. This may be hit or miss on the type of guy that you want, but you'll know two things off the bat, a) He's intelligent enough to read and b) You'll learn about his interests and if you mesh indirectly, because you'll be forced into discussion and conversation.

While many of you may be thinking the same thing @whatshesaid was thinking, keep in mind that most of the time, us guys are looking at you and thinking, are there any girls worth dating?