Men and Sex: Coles Notes

Sex. A topic that many people enjoy hearing, but many more don't like to talk about - openly. There is so much to be said, but maintaining with the back and forth nature of these posts, I'll be brief.

To correct @whatshesaidgoes, men do realize that girls think about it a lot, but they don't talk about it openly, with men, in the same way. Sure, they may talk about it with other girls, their likes or dislikes; what their partner proposed or how something they've tried out worked or didn't, but with men, in my experience, they tend to shy away from an open conversation.

The bottom line: Men want to know. We want to have that discussion with you, openly. Women are far more close minded when it comes to sex than men. Or maybe, I've met more girls who think something is just "too much" to talk about. A healthy sex life depends on being able to tell your partner what you like and what you don't, even if it's something out of the norm.

We have all had amazing sex and as she puts it, not so great sex. Unlike @whatshesaidgoes, most of my experiences don't fall somewhere in between; they're either on one end of the spectrum or the other.

Foreplay - While I must agree with her section on foreplay, that it extends the experience and adds an element of anticipation, it's not something we ALWAYS want. And I'm sure most women don't always want it either. Men, just as much as women, enjoy to be touched and kissed, but if you're wondering why your man is trying to rush through it, maybe it's not the foreplay, but instead, it's you. 

I don't think I'm too far off in saying that many men feel (or that women expect) the guy should be taking the lead. While we're happy to take the lead in bed, when it comes to foreplay, women need to take a greater role in sustaining it. Men often think of foreplay as touching and kissing, when in fact, foreplay goes beyond the physical.

Ladies, if you want to sustain foreplay and really get him into making it a priority, you have to train your man to enjoy it. Pin him down and show him what foreplay is all about and don't hesitate to tell the guy just what parts of you to stimulate, to get you going. Take the time to slowly tease him, wear something revealing and don't let it come off until you're ready. The secret in getting your guy to make foreplay a priority, is to show him what's in it for him.

Mix it up - If you want to grow as a sexual being, you need to mix it up. Personally, if there is no spice, I can't hack it. If my sexual endeavours were a porn, it would most likely be an unmarked tape, in a black case kept behind the counter.

There is nothing wrong with those who have no desire to move their sexual experiences beyond the vanilla lifestyle their used to. More women, than men, are often hesitant to change or take a risk. Keeping it simple has its place. A soft and sensual night of sex is less about what you're doing, but more with who you're doing it with. But even the closest of couples should, in my opinion, spice things up. You need both.

Women though, have this misconception of men. When a guy says, let's try something new, a woman thinks he's been watching too much porn; what kind of unrealistic sex act does he have in mind? Often, it's not as bad as she may think.

If you want to up your game, take it slow. Watch porn together and try a few things you normally wouldn't is a good start. If you want to explore a little more, connect with your local kink community and attend social events to meet like-minded people, or attend an event. You're not expected to participate, but just be clear on all the rules first. Sex conventions are another good place to get ideas and tips. Visit your local sex store and pick up some reading material to get you started. Spicing it up can go from sex outside of your normal setting, all the way up to edgeplay.

You're not going to like everything you see, or everything you try. If you're open with one another and if you take the time to learn how to do things right, you may find more out there that you like.

Express yourself - It's not only guys who don't express themselves enough during sex, women are often too shy or intimidated to do so as well. If you're enjoying it, we want to hear it. It is what will get us going. If we know you like it, we'll keep doing it, and we'll do it again next time.

A few years ago, I was hooking up with this girl who looks-wise, was way out of my league. (Hey, I'll admit it.) After a few times, I cut it off. When a friend commented by saying I must be out of my mind and why I stopped, the answer was simple. She fucks like a starfish.

There was no movement. There was no sound. There was nothing. Have you ever seen a starfish? Yeah, they just lay there, motionless. We don't want you to scream at the top of your lungs - although we wouldn't be opposed to it. We just want to know that you're into it. 

Spice and Sugar - Sex is sex. Making love is making love. Two completely different things based on the person you're with. I'm one of those guys who likes to cuddle and although it doesn't have to be tied to sex. Just don't think that because I'm close to you after sex, that I want to be with you.

While some (many if I may say so) women, need that closeness and affection after sex, men don't. It's not that we're cold, heartless beings, who can fuck you and then walk away (well, some of us are), we generally only want it with those we feel a connection to. If we're not romantically tied to you, you should probably just enjoy the sex and not worry about the cuddling, if you want us to return.

For the original and female perspective, read Sex: Coles Notes.