So why does every breakup have to be so epic?
Answer: Mutual breakups are far and few in between. In my opinion, they are a fluke of nature. When was the last time you ever heard of, or had a breakup that went like this?
Partner 1: "Look, I think we need to talk. You're nice, caring and a great person, but there is just something missing. I just don't feel that connection and think that this isn't going to work."
Partner 2: "Really? You think so? Oh, God, that is such a relief to hear. I feel the exact same way. I'm glad you brought this up."
Partner 1: "Friends?"
Partner 2: "Of course. I think we'll make great friends."
Ughhhh....I-don't-fucking-think-so. It doesn't happen. And if you say that yes, that it has for you, you must have some lucky horseshoe buried somewhere deep inside you.
What.She.Said says she hates breaking up not because it's sad, not because she's scared she'll hurt someone or be hurt, but because it's always long, drawn out and exhausting. And you know what, for once I have to agree - but not wholly. And while I may agree in part, we often do it to ourselves.
In her post, which you can read HERE she says she was seeing a guy for a couple of months. He was great, kind and caring. Unlike most of you, I'm privy to more information and have met said boyfriend.
He was a really nice guy. Genuinely nice. He wasn't out to sleep with her and then take off. He was the type of guy who would bend over backwards - and he did - but to her credit, he did it too much, too soon.
While, as she claims he was suffocating her - and I can see how that was the case - I will say in his defense, she brought a lot of it upon herself.
One thing about What.She.Said, that I have to put out here in order that you know where I'm coming from, is that she doesn't like to be bored. She isn't ready to settle down (completely), but wants someone to spend time with (a boyfriend-type). She wants someone to spend those quiet nights in and those nights out. She wants inter-dependence that comes with a relationship, but independence that comes without being in one. She wants it all. And the fact is, no one can have it all, all the time.
Where I fault What.She.Said is that she didn't end it soon enough. In the weeks that led up to this, said boyfriend was still in the picture, but What.She.Said was living her life as though he was already gone.
Ladies and gentlemen, when you're in a situation where you're just not feeling it, giving it some time to see if the person is for you is alright. But be cautious. Too much time means giving the person the wrong impression. Also, at least have the decency to end it, before you start looking for someone new. If you have the conversation when you first start feeling it, that epic breakup can be avoided much sooner.
In every relationship one person always likes the other person more. Who is that person? It's the dumpee, not the dumper. That's why breakups are long and drawn out. There is always one person who doesn't want it to end and can never truly figure out why they aren't wanted.
What.She.Said thinks that the amount of time invested in a breakup is determined by the length of time together. Wrong. It's the amount of investment the dumpee thinks they put in for their heart-breaking end result. It's the emotionally connection and loss that they feel. The greater the connection one feels, the longer it takes to let it all go.
While What.She.Said and I often disagree on many matters when it comes to love and loss, I can agree on another point of hers:
In high school everything seems like the end of the world, especially losing a boyfriend. But by the time you hit 20-something, relationships are no longer high school flings. If it is going to be the long-term, forever, starry kind of romance then it has to right for both people. And 20-somethings are much more focused on finding someone for the long hall, especially entering the latter years.
As we get older, 20-somethings are more focused on the long-term result. You think it would be easy to just lay it all out there and walk-away if it wasn't right. So why can't many of us have this?
Too many of us enter relationships based on emotions. We jump the gun with that connection. We rush head-over-heels into something and find ourselves caught up in the trappings of the honeymoon stage.
I too have been guilty of this in the past. I too, at times, find myself caught up in the romance of the person, instead of seeing the person for who and what they are.
These days, I try and approach things a little differently. And I would suggest that many of you in these situations face them the same way; my fellow blogger included.
When I meet someone I have the following checklist:
1) Am I attracted to them physically?
2) Do we have some (not all) similar interests?
3) Do we get along and can I tolerate them?
4) Do they want (at some point in time) similar things that I do?
5) Could I see them as a potential long-term partner?
It may seem sterile and robotic to use a checklist. You're probably wondering, where is the connection, the lust, the butterflies? They're around; around but suppressed as best as I can.
So why suppress them?
The answer is simple. I don't want my emotions to cloud my judgment and then I find myself in an epic breakup situation. If I can answer yes to all of those, and get to know the person based on those things, I slowly allow emotions to creep in. I'm not saying don't let it be a part of the equation. Just don't let it be the only reason.
Oh, and it doesn't hurt to qualify your potential desire to enter a relationship with someone. Just be up front. Simply tell them that you're interested in seeing where things may lead and that you want to take your time. You're not promising them that they will be the one, only that you'll see how things go, one day at a time.
I like this one better. Not the post, the design.
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