Social Media and Relationships Part II: Use or Get Used

If you've read the post by @whatshesaidgoes, which can be found here, then you already know two things:                     

1) I give great advice so don't knock it. If you want to stay one step ahead, consider everything I write like the word of God and this blog is your Bible.       

2) Online dating may seem an unnatural way to date, but in the last five years it has become one of the most common ways. It's quick and easy to meet people; and you can be selective without wasting your time.

While there's quite a bit to respond to in her blog post, there are only two things I want to touch upon before I move away and into a different direction, giving you some of that great advice.

1) She makes reference to guys sending form messages and how this is unacceptable. I disagree. It's perfectly acceptable to write a form message when you only have to switch specific details. I used one all the time. With the mass amount of selection online, you need to be efficient, and writing a number of e-mails when you only need to write one, in the words of EpicMealTime, is smart.

2) She also tells us about what it was like to see my searches; the male perspective, and what kind of competition she had. Here, I agree with her comments. And this goes to both girls and guys. Guys, keep your shirts on in your photos. Ladies, I don't need to see your rack hanging out in 20 different angles. If you're portraying a whore, I'm only going to message you for a fuck.

If online dating was a career option, I'd be rich. I am...should say was, an online dating professional. I've tried numerous dating sites, I've met people off Facebook, Twitter and for those of you old enough to remember, even ICQ. I don't even know how that last one happened, we only used it to share files.

Instead of telling you how to be an online dating professional, I'm going to tell you how to use POF to your advantage. This advice, of course, is for men. Women just need to put themselves out there and they'll be successful. Your motto for this post: Use or be used.

Just like meeting people has gone from face-to-face, to the Internet, so has picking up. Don't waste your time trying to pick up in a bar, instead your focus should be picking up online. It is ridiculously easy.

The Profile –- Ensure you have a profile that is well written, with  proper grammar and free of spelling mistakes. Make it fun and short. A minimum four to five paragraphs, of at least five sentences per paragraph. Write it as though you would be looking to meet someone to date, but include the following:

• A line that explains you're looking to meet new people, spcifically new friends. That, you're not looking for anything serious and have no expectations from the site.
• You're new to the site. Remember, you're always new to the site.
• You haven't had much luck. No matter how much luck you've had, you always tell the person that you haven't had much luck. The funny thing is with people, they will tend to agree with you if you place the suggestion and back it up with facts.
• Come up with a question that they can answer. For example, my username was the title of book and I left my profession field blank. I always said in my profile, bonus points for whomever can guess where my username comes from.

Why these profile writing tips? A well written, informative profile comes off less threatening and draws people in. The "looking for friends line" is your disclaimer. Remind her that you weren't looking to meet just one person. As for facts, if you make it up and believe it to be true to you, it's true. And, for those shy ones, having some kind of question is a great in for people to have something to write about in a message.

The Form Message –- The form message is essential. You need to create a form letter that allows room for interchangeable information. This will help you cut down on the amount of typing you'll need to do. Your message should ask questions, make connections and close with a non-threatening comment.

A sample form message would look like:

Hey,

I came across your profile and wanted to send a quick message to say hi.

I noticed that [insert something you noticed].

[Insert a question or two]

I also noticed that [insert second point of interest and/or comment on an action in a photo and follow-up with a connection to bridge interests.]

Just wanted to keep this message brief, but if you care to chat, it would be great to hear from you.

The Selection –- So you have the profile written, the message ready to go, but who do you pick to message. There are a few givens here, but also a few variables that you have to figure out for yourself.

• The "viewed me". Many dating sites have a "who viewed me" function. May people view profiles and don't message, because they think they have no chance. This is where your odds are high. Message those who viewed you first. After all, they looked at you, they may be interested but shy. If you get a positive reply, then take control because you are the initiator.
• Those who message you first. If you receive a message, don't write back right away. Instead, wait at least 48 hours. Let them think they don't have a chance.
• You have a league, stick to it. I always messaged girls who I thought were within my league. Sometimes I was right, sometimes I was wrong. It has nothing to do with a lack of confidence, it has to do with playing the odds.
• If she dresses like she's easy, she probably is. This isn't always true, but most girls who have it all hanging out are getting indundated with crude messages from guys. Send her the complete opposite and you'll be that anomaly that sticks out.

The Conversation -– The beauty about an online conversation is that it allows a person to be more open than they would in person. You can push the limits of the conversation, guaging the mood and tone of the responses. If you can get the person to develop a comfort level with you online, you can make any suggestion a good, non-threatening one.

• Empathy –- Releate to everything. People online are looking for that connection before meeting. They don't want to waste their time meeting scores of people, so don't give them that impression.
• Sex –- Sex isn`t an off-the-table conversation. You can allude to it by relating to the many men only looking for one thing. While never confirming that that is the only thing you`re looking for. Remember, no matter where you take this conversation, you're never looking to get in her pants, until she least expects it.

These always worked for me, maybe they will work for you. So here`s the challenge. Give these tips a shot and I want to hear back, by way of a blog post comment, if they worked for you. I`m not going to tell you how to seal the deal, just how to negotiate.

Social Media and Relationships: Odds Are, Facebook Will Break You Up

If there's one thing I hate, it's when a person doesn't realize when their clothes are too small. No one wants to see a flesh coloured fanny pack peaking out from under your shirt.

If there's another thing I hate, it's Facebook. While social networking is supposed to bring us together it has a great potential to divide us -- especially couples.

I won't get into the many ways it can do this, instead, I'll stick to what I believe are the two most common -- unnecessary jealousy and digital persuassion.

The fact that a couple is able to see what one another is doing at all times through status updates, photos and an array of other notifiers can almost certainly create unnecessary jealousy.

I don't care what anyone says, no one has 500 friends, but Facebook lets us befriend as many people as we want -- most of which we don't even really know, or remember adding. The ability to comment and tag to status or photo that is visible to ones significant other may raise questions. And when these less than known friends begin weighing in a little too much, one may begin to question exactly what may be going on.

You probably think that I'm being a little paranoid, but how many times have you caught yourself wondering, "who is that person," or "what does that comment mean," on your significant others' Facebook page. Yes, yes -- what about trust? I know you're thinking that. If you trust your partner then there isn't a need to worry. You may trust your partner, but can you afford to trust one their 500 friends?

It becomes even more pertinent that you ask yourself this question considering there is an application that allows you to virtually stalk your crush. When their relationship status once again changes to single, someone may be ready to pounce.

Yet, unnecessary jealousy isn't always something that spawns from nothing. When you are newly involved with someone and Facebook friends, it's not so much the people who are current friends that cause jealousy -- it's the new friends that one acquires.

In the days before Facebook you would think twice before giving out your name and number to a guy/girl you just met, especially one that you just striked up a conversation with at a bar. You may worry about what would happen if they called you all the time and you couldn't get rid of them.  Or perhaps, what if they are some crazy stalker. Yet today, we have no problem giving someone our name, e-mail address and the ability to look us up online; to see our photos, likes, dislikes, where we're going and what we're doing every second of the day.

Is it just me, or does something seem backwards there?

A guy today is more likely to ask a girl for her Facebook than her phone number -- and for good reason. You can snoop a bit before sending a message; check out her relationship status; and of course the ability to send private messages that if discovered, may be damaging to a relationship.

Digital persuassion isn't new, but before Facebook it was much more difficult to learn a lot about someone in a short time. Not to mention the safety of a computer to hide behind since many people won't take the risk to make a move in person. While Facebook offers many security features and the option to remove users, many people don't employ them to the degree that they should. And while many of us like to think we're a good judge of character -- we can all be easily fooled.

Several years ago an ex of mine made several new friends in one of her classes and of course, as everyone does, they became Facebook friends. One of these "friends" was a guy who would continuously comment on items that caught my eye. While we were open about our relationship and didn't hide things from one another in that respect, the comments became messages. While she told him she wasn't interested, I didn't find out about the messages until later on. This wasn't the reason we broke up, but it caused a lot of tension in the relationship -- mainly because I wanted to hurt the guy that wouldn't take a hint. But also because the option to defriend him was there, but she never did.

If you want to keep your relationship in one piece, be selective when it comes to your Facebook account. Or better yet, don't have one at all. If you want to risk your relationship because of a click of a button, go ahead, but it seems silly that a bunch of bits and bytes may end everything you've worked for.

Juggling People Is An Art :: Learn It, And Learn It Well

"Juggle? I used to be a world class juggler. Until the girls accidentally met."

Unless someone really caught my eye, I was never a one-on-one dater. I would rather date multiple people at once, weeding them out until I was left with one that I wanted to be with. This meant juggling five, six; sometimes more, women at once. And often, as one was cut from the running, another one or two was added.

It was through the dates that I went on; the conversations that I've had with the opposite sex - and with my male friends - that I observed how women have less desire, or maybe it's less ability, to date multiple people at once. I'm not speaking about one or two, or even three people at once. Many of us can do that. I'm taking about dating scores of people - whether it be just one date or several - in order to not limit the people you have an opportunity to meet.

I know what my female readers are thinking right now; two things actually:

1) The only reason guys date multiple girls is because they have a better chance of getting laid.

2) It's not about quantity, it's all about quality.

You know what ladies?

1) You got it! And it works. It works a little too well. It's often the one that doesn't put out that we end up wanting in the end. 

2) This may explain all the ugly guys with hot girls. But, I'm not buying it. You often have to go through quantity to find quality.

Regardless of gender, the top three comments I hear when it comes to juggling multiple people are:

1) I'm afraid I would confuse the person with another, and not remember what we talked about.

2) I don't know where I would find the time to see all of these people.

3) What happens when I run into one of them, while out with another?

Let me break it all down for you, using a few tips and tricks that I've learned - the hard way - throughout my dating life. Juggling multiple people isn't about sleight of hand. You don't want to make yourself invisible. Instead, it's about sleight of tongue. What you say, how you say it, and when you say it, which will determine how effect of a multiple dater you will be. Plus, it helps to be well prepared by planning in advance for specific situations like the "run-in", or the "double-booking."


1) I'm afraid I would confuse the person with another, and not remember what we talked about.

 To avoid confusing one person with another and forgetting what you talked about, you need to keep track, so you stay on track. A little black book with a twist is what you need. Along with names - including last names - and numbers, you should also list where your first date was, the date you first met, and a few notes about what s/he was wearing. And, at the end of the night, maybe something that stood out, which s/he said.

Why are these added details important? When you get to comment three in this blog, you may need to utter the words, "Yes, while I am meeting other people as well, I'm interested in getting to know you, too. If I wasn't, would I remember... [an aspect of the first date..], [that you were wearing that outfit that brought out your...], how [we laughed over...]

Another important tip is to build a list of standard questions. You can usually always predict what these will be from the other person. They will want to know what movies you like, where you grew up, what interests you have. The most basic first date questions. Instead, take a different approach with yours. Come up with three to five questions, that you ask to every first date you go on. The answers will help jog your memory when you go out with them again. Make them somewhat unique, but not strange enough that the person is wondering why you're asking.


2) I don't know where I would find the time to see all of these people.

The hardest part of juggling multiple people is finding the time to see them. But, it's possible. When you're getting to know someone early on, you don't need to see them all the time. In fact, to see them once a week for a few dates is okay. What you need to do is keep conversations through the week to text. If possible, do it over the phone. It will cut down the amount of actual contact you need with the person until you can see them again.

The best method is to double-book, triple-book or even quadruple-book yourself. When I was out meeting many people at once, I would tell them I was often extremely busy during the week. And I was, although I could have found some time. Instead, I would tell them that the weekends were the best time for me to do something. I could plan a date for Friday night, three or four dates for Saturday, and another three or four for Sunday.

While this may seem like a lot to absorb, you always need an out. Pick locations throughout the city and various activities. And always...always tell them well in advance that you have to meet a friend somewhere in town. It allows you an exit, and time to spare to make your next date.

3) What happens when I run into one of them, while out with another?


Ah, the dreaded "run-in". If you're well prepared and well planned, you won't have anything to worry about. Should you run in to a date while on a date, remain calm. Remember, you did tell them that you were going to meet a friend. That is all they need to know at this point. Should it be someone else from another week, it's still okay.


If you're approached and forced to make conversation, don't hesitate. Introduce the guys/girls, it will come off less defensive and neither will be threatened. Just refrain from calling either one a "friend". Stick to first names only, and be aggressive. You should be the one asking her the questions, and make them general in nature.  "How are you doing?" What are you up to today?" Those kind of questions. She will ask you too, but you can get away with generic and overarching answers. If you monopolize on those few minutes of conversation, it will end and she will go on her way.

At some point, later, you may have to explain yourself. So refer to issue 1 in this blog and pull out that little black book. You may have to remember a few quick facts.

And finally, you need to be honest. Honest from day one. Make sure you get that disclaimer out there. When you meet, or when the conversation of, "what are you looking for" comes up, always make sure you say that you're just looking to date, to meet people and see if anything comes of it. That way, when asked - or confronted - you can always refer back to your disclaiming statement, and you can be honest. Actually, use the phrase..."I want to be honest with you. You're asking, so I am telling you the truth. I have nothing to hide. I am seeing other people, like I said when we chatted about what we were looking for at the moment." They eat that shit up, if you're stuck in a bind.

P.S. - And to "The Girl" - yes, that is your nickname in this blog - I just wanted to say... No, dear, none of this applies to you! In fact, I forget almost everything you tell me, more than once. No little black book here.